Thursday, November 6, 2008

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could up chuck?

My offspring sporadically spewed, spawning the spark for this splendid spiel.

1) I have been throwing up since I was a little girl. In third grade, during quiet reading time, the deviled eggs I ate for breakfast were not sitting so well in me, and I leaned to the side of my desk and threw up. I felt really bad, so I silently grabbed paper towels and removed the regurgitated egg matter from the carpet. I told the teacher that I threw up and was sent to the nurse's office. While waiting for my mom to get me, my teacher came in and drilled me about whether or not I actually threw up, and where the said throw up could possibly be. Turns out I had some mad cleaning skills because that janitor looked and looked but could not find that supposed pile of puke!

2) (This one is for YOU--you know who you are!) A friend of mine had a little shihtzu. On day, while holding the dog, he said, "Hey (dog's name)!" and blew in his face. The dog immediately vomited.

3) A man I love dearly had just completed the Fuddrucker Challenge (1 lb. specialty burger, large chili-cheese fries, and a large brownie/cookie sundae) and was driving back to work with a few co-workers. He made a left turn into the median and twisted to the right to look for an opening when his gut surged. As he rolled down the window, he gasped, "Tell me when to go!" As some screamed, "Go!" others just screamed as ice cream flavored puke splattered across the driver's side windows in the accelerating automobile. His shirt was soiled, but thank goodness he had his newly won Fuddrucker's T-shirt that said, "Are you MAN enough?"

4)A neighbor knew of my nasty nettlesome nausea during pregnancy, and so teased me relentlessly. I drove passed him one day when he looked at me and pretended to heave. "Ha ha! Very Funny!" I blurted. When I pulled into the garage, my husband came out to greet me and saw "the look" on my face. He grabbed the garbage can and raced to my side just in time. I'm not sure whether to attribute his speed to his endless devotion for me, or because of the fact that I was in his car.

You might be asking, "Why on Earth would she write about this?"

1) Because vomit is funny (after the fact).

2) Because my husband knows a man that throws up whenever he hears about throw up, and I'm secretly hoping someone will show him this post.

No, not really! No, really!

6 comments:

micah e. said...

I totally forgot about that.

Kristina P. said...

What a delightful little post!

Seriously, so blessed! said...

ew!!

Soul-Fusion said...

gross. But I was once on an awkward date in high school where we went to a concert with a bunch of people we knew but the guy turned it into a date . . . anyway, we were sitting at the end of a row and suddenly everyone left. I couldn't figure it out, until the smell hit. Some kid had thrown up on a couple of my friends on the other end of the row. We spent part of the concert in the bathroom cleaning puke out of her hair. GROSS!

Token Asian Friend said...

thank you, soul, for reminding me of the time I went to the coca cola store in LV and some kid next to me threw up purple Fanta mixed with chunks. But, I didn't have to wash it out of my hair, so you win!

StuTheWise said...

Man, I had to read that while I was in the middle of eating M&M's!

But I will admit, the hardest I've ever laughed in my life was when I watched the ipecac drinking contest on The Family Guy.