Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How to raise a Man-Child

Always refer to him as a super-hero, like "Captain Tree-Hugger."

Encourage him to bond with nature.

Always avoid the appearance of evil.

If you want him to grow up to be a man, you need to let him get his hands dirty...

...But he also must know when to be proper.

Let the father teach him by example.

Help him ride the waves of life.

When he asks you to paint his nails, always make sure he is wearing a tough guy shirt.

Friday, March 26, 2010

My Rage.

Instacare Doctor: So, has your child had a fever?

Me: Yes. When my child woke up two hours ago, he/she was very hot so I gave him/her some Tylenol and he/she has cooled down since then, but still has a mild fever.

ID: What was your child's temperature when he/she woke up.

Me: I didn't measure it because I was more concerned about cooling my child off. I would say over 100.

ID: You can say that, but I'm not going to write that down. I'm just going to write down that your child was warm.

Me: The child was hot enough to concern me. Over 100.

ID: Look. There have been studies done testing mothers of multiple children to see how well they measure temperature. And the mothers failed miserably in estimating temperature. So, it doesn't matter how confident you are, you can say whatever you want, but I'm not going to believe you. I'm going to write down that he/she was warm.

What could I say? He was the doctor. I couldn't argue with the guy.

But if he would have looked at his chart, he would have noticed that my child had a current temperature of 99.5. Considering that and the fact that I had given him/her a fever reducer two hours ago, I think it is fair to say that the temperature was probably above 99.5. Like, I don't know, maybe even above 100.

But what do I know. I'm just the mom.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


If you went to a political party convention, and saw a lady taking notes with crayon,

If you were on a long distance flight to an Asian country and witnessed a mother holding the hand of her child who wet his/her pants while waiting for the lavatory,

If you went curling and saw a squatting pregnant woman push a curling stone across the ice like a child would push a bowling ball,

If you went driving down the street and saw a sister missionary's skirt fly up onto her face while riding a bike,

If you were at Costco and watched a mother turn her back on her cart full of 50 lb. bags of rice (and 1 year old child) only to see it crash into a car 5 stalls down at a high rate of speed and leave a huge dent,

If you were at pre-school and watched the mother cry like a baby as she left her child on the first day of school,

If you were in a Las Vegas buffet line and watched a woman hide behind a potted plant to throw up in a cup,

Then I don't believe we have officially met.

Hi, I'm Token Asian Friend.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Why teens and Adults should not be friends on facebook:

Teenage Facebook Friend: Wouldn't it be ironic if you died choking on a lifesaver?

Me: That is why they have the holes in the center.

Teenage Facebook Friend: What???

Me: The hole is there so that if it gets caught in your throat, you can still breathe...through the hole.

Teenage Facebook Friend: ?


No, seriously kid. In twenty years, that will make sense.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Kikkoman Vs. LaChoy

(I am sorry for neglecting you, blog. I feel that I owe you a poem.)

I stand in my kitchen
Two bottles in hands.
Both of them soy sauce
But of different brands.
Two types of soy sauce?
So what's the big deal?
This one decision
Affects more than a meal.

When I cook for myself,
Kikkoman is best.
I grew up pouring it on rice
(I was a bit obsessed).
Before you buy it, you should know
It has MSG.
And for those with gluten issues
It's not gluten-free.

When I cook for larger groups,
I want all to enjoy.
So for those with sensitivities,
I always choose LaChoy.
That I would cater to their needs,
I am sure to impress.
And that is why, for company
LaChoy's sauce beats the rest.

Now come back with me 10+ years ago
When I liked a certain guy.
He liked me back, we were good friends
So a relationship we did try.
I thought things were going well.
We hung out...things were great!
I never felt it weird or strange
That we never went on a date.

Within a while, things slowed down,
And the truth did soon unfurl.
While he liked to hang out with me
He preferred to take out another girl.
But thanks to soy sauce, I can now
Understand this boy.
I now know I was his Kikkoman
And she was his LaChoy.