I can write a country song

(I've always wanted to be a song writer :)

Well my dad's from the south;

my mom's southern, too.

But from different hemispheres

which you 'ready knew-ew-ew.

I can write a country song.

I can speak with a drawl,

I can sing with a twang,

I can write thoughtful lyrics

and rhyme most any-tha-ang.

I can write a country song.

I can sing about trucks;

'cuz we owned a Nissan.

I can sing about drinkin'

root beer on the lawn.

And I know about boyfriends,

my friends had a bunch.

I can sing about dogs

'cuz we ate them for lu-u-unch.

(Hot-dogs, that is)

I can write a country song.

I've done tons of huntin'

and fishin' and bowlin'

and swimming in moonlight,

drivin' out of control and

I've been in my fair share

of brawls and fist fights

and I'm getting tons better

playin' those Wii games at night.

And that's why...

I can write a country song.

But I have to admit

I am out of the norm.

I can write up a song,

but I can not perform.

'Cuz you have to admit,

it would seem kinda funky

if you went to a show 

to watch an Asian sing country...

But... 

I can write a country song.

What do you get when you take

a piggy bank to the local mall?

2 exciting rides on the see-through elevator

1 wild (-ly expensive) Carousel ride each

 1 hot dog on a stick with a lemonade each.

1 stop at the mall fountain

30 tosses and splashes into the donation pool.

 the most exciting day we've had all summer

And instilling in my children the values of

determination,

hard work, 

and perseverance.

After all, it was hard for them to dump out all that money from daddy's change basket, spread it throughout the house, get yelled at for making a mess and causing a choking hazard, and eventually, with a few fits and much resistance, put all that money in the piggy bank.

But hopefully, it was worth it.

Sweet Justification

I saw this ad in the paper,

and it made my day.

The next time I hear complaints about how I do laundry,  

I will put my index finger to my mouth

then point to the picture and say,

"Shush shush shush shush.  Wrinkled . . . is in."

Idioms

Me:  Are you mad at me?

Husband:  Yes, but only because you asked me that question.

Me:  Oh, I guess that was a self . . . self prophetic . . . 

Husband:  Self fulfilling prophecy.

Me:  {pause} That is what I said.

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I'm not good with idioms or colloquial phrases.  I hear them around me, I know how to use them, but I struggle with putting all of the right words together.

Without a bit of exaggeration, this is what I have been known to say:

You hit the head on the nail!

All's fair that ends well.

All minds think alike.

That takes the hat!

I've got eagle ears.

That's the needle that broke the camel's back.

If I heard that every time I got a dollar...

He's got to dot his t's and cross his eyes.

Beggars can't be winners.

We need to nip it in the butt.

(and oh so many more...)

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Sad, I know.  But, don't judge me.  Just give me an E for effort.  

After all, the person who taught me English learned English as her third language.  

And I think she did a dang good job.

This is why I love my kids

Kid A:  What happened?

Kid B:  The knife almost fell on Mommy's foot.  

Kid A:  {gasp} It could have cut her.

Kid B:  And then Daddy would have to do all the work.

The best things in life are free

On the way to our weekly [Asian Language] class, we drove by a pumpkin patch less than a mile from our military housing.  On the side of the patch was a sign:  Free Pumpkins.

"Dad, can we stop and get a pumpkin?"

"Sorry, kids.  We've got to get to your class."

During class, I forgot all about the pumpkins.  But on the ride home, we saw the sign again and scores of people scouting through the pumpkin patch.

"Dad, can we please stop to get a pumpkin?"

"Let's go home and have lunch, then we'll see."

As we drove into our neighborhood, all I could see was pumpkins.  Pumpkins of every size, on every porch.  Even our neighbor had ten stacked up on top of each other.  Only our doorway stood barren and obviously neglected.  It needed a pumpkin.

Lunch was lovingly made, and quickly eaten.

"Dad, now can we go get a pumpkin?"

"Okay, [Token Asian Friend], let's go get a pumpkin."

We drove two minutes to the pumpkin patch, now void of people.  We stepped out and began to search through the fields for that special pumpkin calling my name.  As we waded through pumpkin rinds, shredded leaves, pumpkin guts, and uprooted pumpkin plants, I thought, "What a waste.  If people hadn't been in such a hurry, all of these pumpkins would still be usable."

After 15 minutes of searching, I found the one.  The little pumpkin that was perfect for me.  I began to walk toward my dad when I heard a voice.

It was an angry voice.

"Hey!  HEY!  WHAT do you THINK you are DOING?"  The man was yelling at my dad, who was piling up what pumpkins he could find.

"We saw a sign that said, 'Free Pumpkins' so we thought we'd come take a look."

The angry man looked at my dad and said sternly, his voice quivering, "Now, you tell me.  Who in their right mind would spend $5,000 dollars on pumpkin seed, and spend six months of their life growing them, and then put up a sign saying that they were all free?"

I saw in my mind the mass of people in the patch.  I saw the pumpkins lining the porches of my neighborhood.  I saw in my mind that small simple sign, hand written on a piece of poster board:  Free Pumpkins.  I put my pumpkin down, and walked toward my dad.  We apologized and left the angry old man alone in his empty pumpkin field.  

I learned a lesson that day.

The best things in life are free.

But pumpkins aren't.

Even when fully aware of their manipulative tactics...

I went to the store to buy a few craft supplies.

I left the store with those few craft supplies, a toy car, notebooks with multicolored gel-filled covers, a magazine, and a pound of sour gummi-worms.

Darn you, Product Placement Specialists.

You get me every time.

Habits

"Mommy, when I get married, you and [siblings] can come and watch, and when we kiss, you can cover your eyes."

Because that is what I do during kissing scenes in movies.

Just more evidence that I haven't matured much since I was twelve.

I Tan Well

Summer Tan...

... Awesome.

Summer Tan Line...

... Awesome.

Summer Tan Line at Church...

... NOT  Awesome.

It's hip...it's fresh...(some of) it's vegan friendly...and (some of) it's gluten free! 

....it looks Chinese...with those fierce terracotta horses...large hanging lanterns...pressed tofu...wood ear mushrooms...and chopsticks.

...it acts Chinese, reminding you that soy sauce is China's salt and hot sauce is China's pepper.

...it even sounds Chinese...mapo, chengdu, sichuan, chowfun, oolang, moogoo, dofu, lomein, dali, mushu, kungpao...

But is P.F. Changs a Chinese Restaurant?

Let's look at the evidence:

1)  Lettuce wraps (one of their most popular items):  Nope, not even Chinese.  Chinese don't wrap things in lettuce.  They cook lettuce.  If you ask a Chinese person for something wrapped in a leaf, they will probably give you this:

Or this:

(I suggest you don't eat that)

2)  Great Wall of Chocolate?  If a Chinese person were to suggest this rich, decadent dessert to be on a menu, he would lose face and dishonor his whole family.   Now, if you offered a Great Wall of Red Bean Paste with dehydrated egg yolk covered with a flaky crust wrapped in rice paper, THAT would be the dessert to make the entire Middle Kingdom proud.

3) They call themselves a "China Bistro," which is a conflicting statement because "bistro" means "a small, modest, European-style restaurant or cafe."  Hey, P.F., China is not in Europe.  China is very much the opposite of Europe.

4)  They are not cheap.  Chinese food is supposed to be cheap.  Don't you remember that episode of "The Office?" 

(not a direct quote, but you get the idea)

Michael:  So, what should we do for dinner?

Jan:  Maybe Chinese.

Michael:  I was thinking we should go cheap.

Jan:  Chinese was my cheap suggestion, Michael.

P.F. Changs, I don't know how you rose above the stigma that holds other Chinese restaurants down, but kudos to you.  You have single-handedly brought life, class, and respect back to Chinese cuisine.

And, on that note, I would like an order of lettuce wraps, s'il vous plait?

The Power of Public Television

I driving with my kids to the bank, when one of my children asked, "Where are we going?"

Me: The bank
Kid: What are we going to do there?
Me: I need deposit a check so we can have money.
Kid: Why?
Me: So we can buy the things we need.
Kid: Oh, so then why are we here?
Me: So we can go to the bank.
Kid: Why do we need to go to the bank?
Me: So that I can take the money from this check and put it in a safe place.

(By this time, I was past annoyed by the onslaught of repetative questions.)

Kid: Why do we need to deposit the check?
Me: I already answered that.
Kid: What are we going to do with the money when we get it?
Me: Why are you suddenly asking so many questions?
Kid: Sid the Science Kid says we should always ask questions!


Of course he would. Of course he would.