Tuesday, September 30, 2008

So Childish of Me

I wish I could act like a kid as an adult.  

I would whine to my neighbors about how their kid wasn't playing fair with mine.
I would spit out my food if I didn't like it.
I would pick out mismatched clothes, and then throw a fit if my husband told me to change.
I would ride my bike to go across the street.
I would point at the food that I made and say, "I don't like this."
I would have dried milk on my upper lip.
I would cry when it is time to leave a friend's house.
If my husband changes the channel, I would crumple to the ground with arms and legs flailing, saying, "I was watching that first!"
My hands and face would always be sticky.
I would ask my neighbors for candy.
I would eat smooshed cookies off the road. 
I would do my hair, and then smile in the mirror and say, "I'm sooooo pretty!"
I would leave the bathroom saying, "I DID IT!"
I would sing all of the time.
I would grab the baby from my husband's hands and say, "That's MY baby!"
I would wear my bathing suit all summer long without one self-conscious thought.
When my husband comes home, I would run to him with arms extended and an ear-to-ear grin.
I would dress up.
I would laugh about everything.
I would give the biggest hugs and sweetest kisses.
I would be a friend to everyone.

I would be a better me.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

A Rose by any Other Color....

It is said that Asia is steeped in culture, and tradition (and perhaps superstition).  For example, one should never give a clock as a present because it means the receiver's time is limited.  Being raised in the United States, I was unaware of this code of conduct and was thus prone to committing social faux pas.  Here are a few things I have done without intending to offend:

--Gave my uncle a bowl of raw rice for dinner (it was supposed to be funny, but I disrespected the man of the house)
--Smiled and laughed during a period of mourning (disrespectful to the deceased)
--Stuck my chopsticks straight up in my rice bowl (someone at the table is going to die)
--Bought knives as a present (I don't know what this meant, but I know I got in trouble)

My worst infraction was intended to be a thoughtful gesture.  My aunt (uncle's wife) from the motherland came here to have a brain tumor removed.  She brought with her a brother's wife who, along with my mom, took care of her while she healed.

Mother's Day was soon upon us, and I went to a florist that had only three roses left.  I bought all three and returned home.  I gave one to my mother, one to my aunt's sister-in-law, and then I quickly bound up the stairs to give a rose to my ailing aunt.  As I handed her the flower, her face went pale, and she refused to accept the rose.  I went back downstairs to tell my mom of aunt's odd behavior when my mom saw that the flower I had offered her was white, the color of death and mourning.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Asian Females Know Best!

You know you are a bad driver if:

1)  You automatically tuck in your side-view mirrors before you back out of your garage.
2)  You are in the habit of keeping barf bags in the car.
3)  You are driving down the freeway before you notice the "BRAKE" indicator light is on.
4)  You drive with the double yellow line on your right.
5)  Bobble-heads remind you of your carpool group.
6)  When you are stopped at an intersection, pedestrians walk behind you.
7)  You hear yourself say, "Gas on the right; brake on the left.  Gas on the right; brake on the left."
8)  The sides of your tires wear out before the tread.
9)  You get in an accident with the person behind you, and you are at fault.
10) Your passengers complain of neck and back pain.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What am I *beep* saying?!?

I appreciate censoring.  I would much rather hear the *beep* and see the blurry image than hear the actual words and see what is behind the blurry box.  However, I don't like it when I can't hear and see what is happening in the show.

I try to avoid shows with censoring altogether.  It has somewhat of an opposite affect on me.  My mind automatically fills the blanks.  Does yours?

Use this as an example:

When I tried to get my *beep* daughter to wear her *beep*-*beep* school clothes, she threw a *beep* fit and would not stop crying.  In my anger I told her, "Listen, *beep*, if you don't like the *beep* clothes, you don't get to keep *beep*."   The little *beep* agreed!  I had her get the *beep* out of here to a *beep* neighbor.  Now, our neighbor is wearing the *beep* that I  *beep* put together.  

This is what I really wrote:

When I tried to get my oldest daughter to wear her brand-new school clothes, she threw a horrible fit and would not stop crying.  In my anger, I told her, "Listen, (child's name), if you don't like the new clothes, you don't get to keep them."  The little giver agreed!  I had her get the clothes out of here to a little neighbor.  Now, our neighbor is wearing the outfit that I painstakingly put together.

Isn't that awful?  I might not be hearing the words, but I am THINKING them!

What did you think I was *beep* saying? (really) Please censor your own *beep*-*beep* comments! (thought-provoking)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

A Matter of Perspective

This is a fact.  Every time my husband leaves the house, we gain money.  Every time I leave the house, we lose money.  

It's depressing being the financial drain on the family.  

So, I like to look at it this way.  Every time my husband leaves the house, we starve.  Every time I leave the house, we eat.

There, that feels much better!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Um, He's My Brother.

I have a brother.  We look a lot alike.  For some reason, however, people don't think we are brother and sister.  They assume that, because we are of the same ethnic background, we are a couple.

We were celebrating my daughter's birthday at a local pizza establishment.  When I was coordinating the birthday party with our assigned assistant, I was distracted.  The young man then, instead of turning to my non-Asian husband standing next to me, turned to my brother and asked how he would like to pay for the party.

My daughter and my niece were in the same dance class.  The owner of the studio came to us to talk about recitals, and asked if "our daughter" was going to make it to the performance.  I had to explain that the child in question was HIS daughter, my niece.

So, do me a favor.  If you see an Asian guy with an Asian girl and their Asian kids, don't automatically think they are husband and wife.  It's probably just me hanging out with my brother.  If you see them making-out, though, that is NOT us.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

If I could turn back time...

 I recently took my new baby to the grocery store.  The lady at the cash register looked at my 2 month old and said, without a smile or a laugh or even eye contact, "He's fat."

I was shocked, and I stumbled through a response, but if I could have turned the clock back, this is what I would have said:

--We thought we were feeding him forumula, but it was actually protein shakes. Oopsie!

--If you think HE's big, you should see the twelve others I left at home.

--(tear up) He has a genetic condition.

--Oh, he's not mine. I'm just his wet-nurse.

--HE's fat. YOU lack social skills. Nobody's perfect.

--That's just swelling.   He's allergic to stupid people.  Looks like we chose the wrong line.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

What is wrong with this picture?

So, I want to perform an experiment.  My Baby Bjorn says it can hold up to 33 lbs.  This picture is proof that it can. 

Now the question is, is it socially acceptable?

Friday, September 12, 2008

So Stereotypical of me!

Sometimes, people choose not to make fun of other ethnic groups because they could be labeled as a racist.  I don't have that fear.  I choose not to make fun of ANYONE because I don't want to get beat up.  I'm small-boned.  And, Unlike ALL OTHER Asians, I have not been trained in the art of the Ninja, Gong-fu, Taekwondo, Jujitsu, or Feng-Shui.  I guess, if ever confronted, I could Tai-Chi my enemy into submission until they reach a state of mental calm and clarity.  Then, we could fly kites, shoot off some fireworks, talk about Computer Science, and play Mahjong over a steamy bowl of noodle soup. Being Asian is the BEST!!!  That's not being racist, that is being ethnocentric.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So, by that you mean...

I know some ethnic minorities have to deal with a lot of racism or prejudice growing up.  Luckily, I don't remember kids teasing me or making comments toward me because of my ethnicity.  Well, I do remember some kids in high school calling me "Geronimo" or "Sacajawea," but they probably said that to every girl who wore her hair in braids.  And there was that kid in elementary school that called me "Eskimo," but I'm pretty sure it was because of my coat with a fur-lined hood.  And then there were those kids who called me, "Mahana, you ugly!"  But that was most likely because...


Well, that wasn't nice at all.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Story Problem

So, I love story problems.  Here is one for you!

Q:  What do you get when you have a mom out running errands, dad watching sports, a fort behind the couch, two kids, and a pair of scissors?

A:  One child missing a curl, one child with a self-made mullet, and this picture to hold over the father's head.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

What the (Asian word)?

My husband and I have taught our children a few words in the "native tongue."  The ones they are most proficient in are the potty and body parts words.  When they use them in public, no one will know what they are talking about.  Everything else, however, has been in English.  Here are some things our children have said in public:

You (Asian word)-ed.  I heard you.
My mommy feeds baby with her (Asian word)
My (Asian word) itches.
Brother has an ugly (Asian word).
I'm going to spank your (Asian word).  

I guess context speaks volumes.

Sometimes we use this as a crowd pleaser at parties--It's called guess the body part!  I can't describe the fear we see in people's eyes as my husband says, "Go hit him in the (Asian word)."