Next Halloween

So, I've made a few Halloween costumes in my day.  It was a lot easier before I had kids, but I still try to make them fun.  The first Halloween costume I made was for my husband.  He was one of the Three Amigos:
I beaded that puppy by hand.  That was (and still is) an AMAZING costume.  Next, I made a big Easter Bunny costume, just like this for my husband:

only it was bigger, bluer, and didn't have those extra bunnies on the feet. 

My Husband has also been this:

(Yes, I made that into a costume.  Don't ask why.)

And this:

And this:

But, the more kids we have, the more difficult it is to make ALL of the Halloween costumes.  So, I'm trying to figure out costumes for next year that will still be unique and fun, but not so difficult to make.  So, I came up with this...

I could make my kids outfits that look like little ping-pong balls.

My husband can wear a wig, grow out his chops, grab an 80's heavy metal rock band T-Shirt and be this:

And I have a lot of traditional Asian outfits to choose from.  I could wear one of those. 

Now, I know what you are thinking:

But I was actually thinking more along these lines:

After all, his outfit is much more modest, and my hair does that anyway!

Token Asian Friend's Peanut Gallery Comments -- Disney Cartoons

If you were to watch a movie with me, I don't blame you for dumping your popcorn on my head.

Incredibles:  Only Elastigirl could give birth to Jack Jack.  Look at his head!

Beauty and the Beast:  The beast was cursed for 10 years until his 21st birthday...let's see, 21-10=11.  Hello!  He was 11!  You were a stranger and you offered him a rose if he would let you in his house.  Of course he's going to say no!  Stranger Danger!

Give the kid a break, old hag!

Bambi:  Traumatizing children is fun to do!

Aladdin:  Modesty is for creepy old men and grandpas.

Peter Pan:  Oh!  So racism is acceptable as long as it is put in the form of a song.  Good to know. 

Lion King:  Listen to the crazy monkey in my head.  He knows the way!

Jungle Book:  Wait...NO!  Don't listen to the monkey!  Bad monkey!

Tarzan:  No, DO listen to the monkey.  Respect the monkey.  Fear the monkey.  For one day, you will BE the monkey.

Pocahontas:  I think the writers at Disney said, "History, Schmistory.  Historical facts are for LOSERS!"

Dumbo:  Under aged drinking was funny in the 1940s.  Pink Elephants were not.

Monsters Inc:  "See, there is nothing to be afraid of, little child.  The monsters in your closet are FUNNY monsters!  Now, sleep tight."

Mulan:  You can roast pot stickers on a stick over an open flame?  How did I not KNOW that?

Sleeping Beauty:  Lots of red flags pop up here.  Arranged marriage.  Underaged female.  Kind of sounds a little TOO familiar...

Cinderella:  So, was this a Secrets of NIHM prequel?  Because I saw a lot of talking vermin in that movie, too!

Cars:  I don't get it.  Where do baby cars come from?

In honor of Grandpa, who made us laugh.  

Who do I look like?

So, I don't know many Asian celebrities, but I listed a few here.  I have been told by people that I look like each them at least one time in my life.  But there is one that, surprisingly, a lot of people tell me I resemble.  Can you guess who?

Connie Chung?

Zhang ZiYi?

Michelle Yeoh?

Vera Wang?

Lucy Lui?

Lisa Ling?

Katie Leung?

Tia Carrere?

Demi Moore?

Chow Yun-Fat?

OK, so I know that Demi Moore technically isn't Asian, but an Asian friend of mine said that I look like her.  

The winner is....

drumroll please...

Chow Yun-Fat!  (Seriously, I have had more people, independent of one another, say I look like him than any of the others.)

Can we still be friends?

Don't be mad, but my kid is smarter than yours!

My husband and I believe that the way to encourage a behavioral pattern in young children is to first, recognize the desired behavior and second, reward the child for that behavior. This philosophy has worked miracles for all of my children, but especially my five-month old!

One day, when we took my son grocery shopping, we were strolling through the baked goods aisle. Out of nowhere, my son signs the word "donut." I didn't even know the sign for donut, but thank goodness my husband did, and so to reward him, we bought a couple dozen. He doesn't know how to eat yet, so my thoughtful husband ate them in front of him to show him how.

Then, on Saturday, while I was outside watching the other children play, my husband, who was selflessly holding the baby inside for me, looked deep into his eyes and saw him blink "B-Y-U-G-A-M-E" in Morse Code!  I didn't see it or anything, but when I got mad because they were in front of the TV for 3 hours , my husband explained why and I totally forgave him.  Poor guy was just bonding and reinforcing baby's early communication skills.

I was preparing the house for guests one day and our little whiz kid tapped his dad on the shoulder. He used a finger on one hand to write on the palm of the other in Asian the words "nap with daddy."  I missed it, again!  But, who can deny a request like that?  So, I let my husband and babe nap while I cooked and cleaned and watched the other children by myself.

By this time, I was pretty sure there was nothing else my little man-child could do to make me more proud. He proved me wrong! I was giving the other kids a bath and preparing them for bed when my son grabbed the Magna Doodle and drew a picture of Andrei Kirilenko and season tickets. But he totally erased it before I could even see it! My attentive husband saw it in the nick of time. So, darn it, we are going to get the little prodigy season Jazz tickets!  My hubby is even willing to take him to all of the games!  

Anyway, I had to share! I'm just so glad my husband was able to see these huge milestones in our baby's life, even though I have yet to actually witness any of them.  Please don't get jealous of what a genius my little baby is. What can I say? He gets his smarts from me.

Based on a true story.

Are YOU Asian?

You know you are Asian if:

1) You see a cube of tofu and automatically think of 15 dishes to make with it.

2) When asked if you would like a drink of water, you answer, "No thanks.  I have soup."

3) You drink beverages with chunks of food in it, and you LOVE it!

4) You are a Tai-Chi expert, a reflexology expert, an herbal expert, a medical expert...

5) When asked, "How do you like your eggs?" you say, "Boiled with soy sauce and chunks of pig / Salty, extremely salty / One-hundred years old / Fertilized."

6) When you laugh, you cover your mouth.

7) You eat leftovers for breakfast with rice porridge.

8) After eating Asian cuisine, you tell those you are with that yours tastes better.

9) You leave your house in your Lexus wearing diamond rings, jade bracelets, gold necklaces, Gucci watches, and a sweat suit.

10) You like your beans sweet.  

11) You like your pizza with shrimp, squid, and peas.

12) You love fish balls.

13) You hate licorice.

14) You can stay balanced in a squatting position for a long period of time (Seriously, try it.  It's harder than it sounds).

15) You take your shoes off before entering the house.

16) You know where the nearest Asian Food Market is located.

17) After eating cake with frosting, you say, "Ai!  Too sweet."

18) Your furniture is decorated with Mother of Pearl.

19) You know how to use one of these:

20) You own this:

So, are you Asian?

If fifteen to twenty of these items describe you, you are pure, unadulterated Asian.  Congratulations!

If eight to fourteen of these describe you, you are ABA (American born Asian).

If one to eight of these describe you, you are part Asian (maybe way back, check your family history).

If zero of these items describe you, you are not Asian.  Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you.

Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder, and I Am Not Seeing It

I have worn corrective lenses since I was seven.  While growing up, my wise and frugal parents allowed me to pick my frames from a limited selection.  I mostly ended up with the marbled plastic frames and really thick, heavy lenses.  Add that to the fact that I have no bridge to hold them up (I'm Asian, remember!), my glasses would quite often slide down my nose.  I was HOT!

My glasses never caused much conflict here in the US.  Sometimes, the school photographer would ask me to push my glasses up to my eyes, but that was about as controversial as it got.

Whenever I visited family in Asia, however, my glasses were the source of much controversy.  Relatives would take my glasses from my face and say, "There, that looks better."  Sometimes, they would hold on to them and tell me to go about my day without them, as if I didn't NEED them!  When we would take pictures, they sometimes asked me to take them off.  I should have been offended, but instead I was grateful that they took pride in my natural beauty.

So, if my Asian relatives ever show you a family photo, I am the Asian girl looking cross-eyed at the camera.  There, that looks better.

Where in the World Is Token Asian Friend?

Hit it Rockapella!

Doo-whop, 

Doo-ba-doo-be Doo-whop, 

Doo-ba-doo-be Doo-whop, 

Doo-ba-doo-be Doo-whop,

Well

She's normally indoors, and she rarely sees daylight.

She doesn't leave the house much, so this trip was a real treat.

She'll take you on a ride vicariously through pictures.

Tell me

Where in the world is 

Token Asian Friend?

Oh tell me

Where in the world is 

Token Asian Friend?

(Weeeeeeee!!!!!)

(Mmmmmm, donuts...)

(It's blurry, but that guy is walking by it)

(What is in that "C" of "BDC"?)

(Since when did McDonald's Golden Arches have any red in them?)

(Is that Perkins dotted with a maple leaf?)

(Those aren't flowers above and below the "Super 8 Motel")

(This hint is a little tricky, but it has something to do with the C, funky upside down V, and N)

DID YOU GET IT?!?!?

Subtle, isn't it!

God Bless our neighbors to the north, 

and their infatuation with crimson foliage!

(This one is for you, my e-friend Sarah, and all the other northern North Americans I love!)

Only in Your Token Asian Friend's House...

I was at the top of the stairs one morning when I saw this:

What the...  Is that dog poo?  Cat poo?  GROSS!!!  How can that be?  We don't have any pets.  All we have is kids.  Did the kids just poo on the bottom of the stairs?

Why would they do that?  That is so disgusting!  Who poops at the bottom of the stairs?  When I find out which one did that, he/she is going to get it!

False alarm!  It's just tiny statues of Buddha.  

Darn Asian kids.  Leaving their Buddha statues all over the place.

My Day (For Good Measure)*

(This is TokenAsianFriend's husband, and I approve this post)

10:00 am:  Roll out of bed.  Text husband, "Good Morning!  How's work?  I've been busy.  So tired.  Didn't even have time to shower."  Swish with mouthwash.  Run fingers through hair.

10:30 am:  Yield to pleading hungry children.  Pour cereal onto table.  Give children spoons.  Go to bedroom office.  Check e-mail.  Read blogs.  Check facebook.  Eat candy bar.  Buy something online.

11:00 am:  Turn on TV and have children watch NiHao KaiLan while I re-read twilight series locked in my bedroom.  Eat chips.

11:30 am:  NiHao KaiLan is over.  Children are pounding on door.  Tell children to dress themselves, clean their rooms, and make their beds.

12:00 pm:  Grab a jar of spaghetti sauce and crackers for lunch.  Grab two straws.  leave children with jar, crackers, and straws on floor.  Check e-mail.  Check blogs.  Buy something online.  Play reMovem on iPhone.  Eat ice cream.

1:00 pm:  Put younger kids down for a nap.  Make popcorn.  Lay all couch cushions on floor.  Pop in movie and take a group nap with older kids.

3:00 pm:  Kids wake you up, so movie is over.  Drag all kids outside and let them play.  Put on sunglasses, sit on lawn chair, and continue nap outside.  

5:00 pm:  Wake up.  Call husband, "Hey honey.  You're busy?  Me too.  Swamped.  Can you pick up dinner?"  Go find children, take off their muddy clothes in doorway.  Tell kids to bathe themselves and dress themselves.  

5:30 pm:  Watch TiVo-ed Oprah episode while children play with scissors, markers, and glue.

6:30 pm:  Oprah is over.  Look around.  Marker on the wall, carpet, and youngest child.  Paper glued to hair, plant, and me.  Cereal and spaghetti sauce mixed with glue on kitchen table, floors, and windows.  Sink clogged with crackers and water spilling onto kitchen floor.  Dirty clothes on couch.  Some children missing hair.  Toilet paper trailing from bathroom to bedroom.  Twilight book ripped up and thrown over couch cushions in living room.  DVDs all out of the boxes and stacked in the potted plant soil.  Spoons embedded in drywall.  Toys piled on beds, but hidden under their quilts.  Kids somehow wearing pajamas again...

...Garage door opens...

...Yell at children to clean up.  Change out of my robe and into sweats.  Spritz body spray to smell fresh.  Brush teeth.  

6:33 pm:  Welcome husband home.  Hear him complain about work.  Give him back massage.  Complain to him about how the kids are like tiny whirlwinds, and how I didn't have time to clean up after them that day because I was so busy playing with them.  "I didn't even take a shower."  Check my e-mail, read blogs, buy something online, and watch TiVo-ed Desperate House Wives while he cleans up the house.

8:30 pm:  Together, we put the children to bed.

8:31 pm:.........

*This post may not contain actual daily occurrences.  Readers strongly cautioned.

A man's day, according to his wife

8:30 am: Go into work. Set up laptop. Taste test items in candy drawer for freshness. Log on to internet and check updates on Home Star Runner.
9:00 am: Find Fortune Magazine. Go see a man about a horse.
9:30 am: Read e-mail. Send e-mail. Update facebook profile. Watch Japanese Game Shows on YouTube.
10:00 am: Swipe Sports Illustrated. Go check out the facilities.
10:30 am: Order complete Kiss Bobblehead set online. Check e-bay listings. Play heliattack on miniclip.com. Google search "high power air soft semi-automatic rifle."
11:00 am: Grab Business 2.0. Visit with "a man named John."
11:30 am: Discuss with co-workers where to go for lunch. Go to conference room to draw out schematics and make carpool assignments.
12:00 pm: Make decision on where to go for lunch. Go to lunch. Go to the car wash. Buy 64 oz Dr. Pepper and candies to replenish candy drawer.
2:00 pm: Talk to co-workers about how full and tired you feel. Grab your iPhone. Skip to the loo.
2:30 pm: Set up office fantasy football draft party. Set food assigments.
4:00 pm: Check text messages and reply to wife's 10:00 am text. "Sorry, meetings all day. I'll call you when things slow down."
4:30 pm: Chat about the BYU game. Discuss BCS ranking. Make fun of the guy who likes BYU.
5:00 pm: Answer wife's phone call, "I'm packing up now. I just need to do a few more e-mails and I'll be home." Read e-mail. Send e-mail. Check Facebook. Watch "I gotta have more cowbell" on YouTube. Make fun of the vegan. Offer to take him to lunch to Fudruckers.
5:30 pm: Talk with co-workers about how hard the day was, and begin discussions on where to go to lunch the next day. Make fun of the guy that worked.
6:00 pm: Grab Entrepreneur Magazine, go (Asian Word). Pack up laptop and head home, with a quick stop to the QuikStop for a refill in your 64 oz Dr. Pepper.
6:30 pm: Complain to wife about how busy your day was. Get a back rub. You deserve it, babe!

Clarification

For all of you who:

-throw banana peels and apple cores out of your car windows
-wear dirty clothes
-relieve yourselves outdoors
-shower once a week
-don't flush
-eat off of dirty dishes
-forget to wash your hands
-don't iron clothes
-mooch rides off of friends
-don't cook ramen noodles before you eat them
-refuse to fertilize or mow the lawn
-farmer blow
-don't wipe

I have GREAT news! You are no longer considered lazy, cheap, or hygenically challenged. Congratulations, you are now "going green."

From all of us contributing members of society, welcome back!

Oh, wait, nevermind. You are now technically "biohazards." See ya!

Yes, I am a Nerd

Because I am who I am, and those of you who know who I am know that I am who I am, I MUST do this post.  I pre-apologize.

Parasite Spotlight:  Ascaris lumbricoides (my personal favorite; we'll call him Al)

Al is a Nematode, or an unsegmented roundworm (blah blah blah, I know, but keep reading...).  Al begins his life as a little egg.  When you ingest Al through your mouth, he gently drifts down past your esophagus into your inviting digestive tract where he hatches and becomes little larval Al.  Little adventurous larval Al burrows a teeny-tiny hole through your upper intestine to enter the fast an exciting current of your blood.  Like a fluid roller coaster, your blood wisps him past the darkest depths of your liver and inter the furthest chambers of your heart.  Adorable Al is pumped by your loving heart into your moist, delicate lung tissue.  In the nutrient rich lungs, little Al feasts and grows and molts, and feasts and grows and molts.

After three weeks of feasting and growing and molting, curious adolescent Al begins to wriggle from your lungs through the bronchioles, up your trachea, to the back of your throat.  As he reaches the summit of your epiglottis, you begin to cough him up, but in an act of selflessness, you swallow him back down into the comforts of your warm bowel.  

Al settles down in your upper intestine again, but now he grows to maturity, reaching tubular lengths up to 35 cm long.  That is longer than a foot.  It is here and now that Al begins to notice Allie, the cylindrical diva who hatched, burrowed, molted, and was choked down by his side.  Al and Allie get their unsegmented groove on, and soon Allie is producing up to 200,000 potential offspring a day, every day, for a year.  If you had a dollar for every fertilized egg Allie made in the span of one year within you, you would be seventy-three million dollars richer!  Lucky!

Al and Allie lovingly deposit their cute little baby eggs into your soft intestinal chyme, and their brave little troopers are gently shipped out of your body via BM.  To bid Al's progeny a proper farewell, and to share the parasitic love with others, you deposit them into a garden, or field, not just to fertilize your crops, but also to allow the life cycle of this marvelous creature to continue for generations to come.

I post-apologize.

But now that you have a glimpse of what goes on in my brain, let me give you an idea of what goes on in my life.  Take this next video, and change the blonde girl into a hot Asian chick, and this sums up my life...pre-children.

My Christmas Wish List

Are you wondering what to get me for Christmas?  Here is my wish list:

 I want halitosis, Lyme Disease, and Herpes.  And, if I'm lucky and stay under that mistletoe long enough, maybe I'll get Mono.

No title. Just read.

When my oldest child was almost two, she spent a day at home with my husband (her dad--just to clarify) while I went to work.

He set up a DVD for her to watch so he could take a quick shower.  He closed the bathroom door, shaved, put in contacts, brushed his teeth--the usual routine.  He then hopped in the shower and was in the middle of washing his hair when the shower curtain flew open.  Our daughter's head popped in and she said, "Hi Daddy!"

Then she said, 

"Daddy has a tail!"

I think, therefore I speak uncontrollably

I get lost in my thoughts.  Sometimes, my daydreaming becomes so real to me that I spontaneously laugh or say "Uuuugggghhh!" out loud.  I'll even say complete sentences.  It's kind of a non-offensive form of Tourette's Syndrome.  Thank goodness it mostly happens to me when I am by myself.  

One day in ninth grade, I was dressed in my gym clothes waiting for the other girls in my class to sit in their assigned spots.  As I sat there alone in the gym, I started to think about a song that I had learned in choir the year previous:

No man is an island.

No man stands alone.

Each man's joy is joy to me.

Each man's dream is my own.

We need one another,

So I will defend

Each man as my brother,

Each man as my friend.

I saw the people gather.

I heard the music start.

The song that they were singing

Was ringing in my heart.

We need one another,

So I will defend 

Each man as my brother,

Each man as my friend...

My daydream ended, and I found myself singing the song.  Loudly.  Passionately.  Then, a clap echoed within the gym.   I hesitantly looked toward the opposite end of the room.  There sat thirty ninth grade boys. . . staring at me. . . while their coach stood and gave me a standing ovation.   

One of these things is JUST LIKE the other

Do you ever think all Asians look alike?  That is because they do!  Even Asians get confused.  I'll give you two examples.

Example #1:  My brother came up behind me during lunch in high school to scare me with a big bear hug.  When he turned to see the surprised look on my face, he found himself embracing some other Asian girl that he had never met before.

Example #2:  When I was young, my family would go to Asian festivals to celebrate all of the eastern cultures and cuisine.  I ran into an Asian friend while I was there.

Me:  Hi Kathleen!

Girl:  I'm not Kathleen.

Me:  Yes you are.  It's me, [my name].  Remember me?

Girl: (blank stare)

Me:  Where is your brother?

Girl: Which one?

Me:  You have TWO brothers?

Girl:  Yes, they are over there.

Me:  Wow,  Jon-boy grew.  Where is your mom?

Girl:  She is next to them.

Me:  Huh.  She looks different.  Where is your dad? 

Girl:  He's with my mom.

At that point, I got really confused because Kathleen's dad was caucasian, and I only saw Asian men at that table.

After my odd conversation with her, it took my mom ten minutes of arguing with me until I realized that I had a conversation with a total stranger.  You think I could have figured that out on my own, but THEY LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME!