What were we THINKING?

My husband and I, on the same day, both bought shirts for our baby boy.  

I (Mom) bought him this little number:

My husband (Dad) came home with this:

So the question is, what was going through our minds when we bought these?

Was it...

Mom:  I am confident enough in my son's masculinity to allow him to wear this shirt.

Dad:  I am overly-confident in my son's masculinity.  To prove it, he WILL wear this shirt.

Or was it...

Mom:  He can wear it to church.  It has a tie!

Dad:  He can wear it to church.  It is a collared white shirt!

Perhaps it was...

Mom:  The T-shirt-on-long-sleeve-T-shirt look is all the rage these days.

Dad:  The floating-cat-head-over-random-pocket look is IN.

Or maybe it was...

Mom:  Ha!  A NERD SHIRT!  That is soooo Asian.

Dad:  Ha!  Cartoon cats with no mouths!  That is soooo Asian.

It could have been this...

Mom:  Cute!  A faux pocket!

Dad:  Awesome!  That cat is drowning!

Nope, it was definitely this...

Mom:  On clearance...at Walmart...it's his size...I must buy it.

Dad:  On clearance...at BigLots...it's his size...I must buy it.

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What is baby thinking?

"My only defense is to get fatter."

How to know your kids are guilty:

1) They avoid eye contact.
2) They incriminate their siblings before you even asked what happened.
3) They slide away from you with their backs against the wall.
4) The evidence or traces of evidence is still in their hand/mouth
5) They change the subject by picking at your face.
6) They look up and say, "Ummmmmm..." a lot.
7) They sit on the floor pouting with the occassional arm flap and leg kick.
8) They begin to cry after the hurt sibling cries for you.
9) When you ask, "Who did this?" they SMILE as they point to the innocent sibling.
10) They perform a bodily function as a diversion.

Find the common denominator

What is the theme of my post?

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A friend went to pick up a mexican cuisine take-out order for the rest of us.  As he was driving back home, something on the side of the road caught his eye.  He stepped out of the car and picked up a Domino's Pizza delivery bag, still warm to the touch, packed with pizza and breadsticks.  Aside from the minimal amount of dust on the bag, the food inside was unscathed.

And it was delicious.

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My mom's friend convinced her of the nutritional value of dandelion leaves.  So, on a fine summer day, the two families were forced to drive around the country side, and look for the perfect patch of dandelions to harvest.  After 30 minutes of searching, we found some, and caused quite a traffic jam as people looked to see what these two Asian families were picking off the side of the road. 

We ate fresh dandelion leaves that night for dinner.

And it was disgusting.

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I was riding on a bike through a city in Asia when I noticed all of the dogs, packs of them, rummaging through the garbage, running out in traffic, breeding.  I turned to my companion and said, "The last city I was in didn't have this many stray dogs."

She replied, "That's because, in that city, the people ate the dogs."

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I was walking along the streets of Asia when I saw a chicken cross the road.  Literally.  It almost died.  So, my friend and I picked it up by it's feet and walked around the streets and alleys to see who it might belong to.  No one claimed it.  Not wanting it to get run over, I tied it to the basket of my bike and we rode home.  We gave it to our neighbors downstairs who already had an assortment of animals in cages in front of their apartment.  Every morning, at 6 am, we heard our little friend crow.

For a week.

Year of the Ox!

Here is a card for you!

That's right, it says "Have a Cracker of a Time."

Half of me was offended by this card, until I realized they meant FIRE-cracker.   

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Color

I love colors.

I especially love how colors are made.

(I took all of these pictures but one.)

The brilliant colors of fall are caused by the breakdown of chlorophyll (the green of the leaves), and so the red and the yellow pigments are left for us to enjoy.

(My dad took this picture.)

The color of the peacock is actually not a color pigment at all, but the effects of light on the feathers that bring about those brilliant iridescent colors.

The colors of sunsets, sun dogs, and rainbows are all light: bending and reflecting in the atmosphere and in the water particles in the air.

This color change is caused by someone wiping after-shave on a brand new green towel.

Caught you.

Cake

I apologize.  My mind hasn't been on blogging lately.  

You see, there's a thing coming up.  A dress-up thing.  A "buy a new dress" dress-up thing.  The last time I bought a new dress-up dress was for my sister-in-law's wedding over 2 years ago.  I got it at Ross.  For $10.  It was cheap, but it looked good.  And, it was a tad on the short side, so I hand quilted a friend's quilt in exchange for free alterations.  Anyway, I'm excited for this new opportunity to look good in a new dress.  

But, I've got a problem.  I already want to lose a few "vanity pounds."  And...

...there's this home-made chocolate cake smothered in delicious creamy chocolate frosting (lovingly made the way only Grandpa can make it) in my refrigerator...

...saying, "[Token Asian Friend]!  I know you are technically Asian and shouldn't enjoy such rich gooey chocolaty goodness, but you have the stomach of an ox.  You should eat mutiple pieces today."

So, I did.

This is my dilemma.  And I came up with a compromise...

Blog less, exercise more, eat whatever I want.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go all *Mary* on you (*Mary*, come back!), but I just need to find a way to have my:

And:

too!

So, if it is OK with you, I will blog only once every 3-4 days, instead of once every two.  At least until the chocolate cake (and all other chocolate candy in my house) mysteriously disappears.  Or, until I look dang good in a new dress.  Or both.

A tie is worth a thousand words

They say that a tie can say a lot about a man...

"I am conservative."

"I am flamboyant."

"My wife likes me in green."

"I prefer blue."

"I can take advice from a trendy white guy."

"I can take advice from a trendy Asian guy, too."



"I stay between the lines."


"I live with no borders."


"I am a product of the 80's"


"And the 90's"


"I am an eight year old boy."

"I am a five year old...girl?"

"Others may buy my ties..."

"...but I am my own man."

"I am [Token Asian Friend's Husband]."

The life of a 7 month old

6:30 am:  whimper...cry...EAT!!!

6:35 am:  sleep

8:30 am: pull lullaby toy... smile... giggle... wriggle... EAT!!!

8:35 am-9:30 am: chew fist... roll... reach for toy during diaper change... roll... mom rolled you back over... roll... try to chew fist as mom forces your slobbery hands through comparatively tiny sleeve holes... roll... lay on the floor listening to mom yell at older children to get in the car... roll... sit contentedly in car seat while errands are run... 

9:30 am:  rub eyes... whimper... EAT!!!

9:35 am:  sleep

12:00 pm: pull lullaby toy... smile... giggle... wiggle... EAT!!!

12:05 pm-2:30 pm:  lay on floor and flinch while older children jump over you... cry... get face smooshed... cry... play pat-a-cake with toddler... cry... get drug around house by older children... cry... spit-up... cry... try to reach for toy... cry... see mom walk by... cry... stick face into carpet and cry... cry... drool... cry... rub eyes... cry.

2:31 pm:  EAT!!!

2:36 pm:  sleep

4:30 pm:  pull lullaby toy... smile... giggle... squiggle... EAT!!!

4:35 pm-6:00 pm:  dangle from mom's arm as she mediates fights between siblings... dangle from mom's arm as she cleans house... dangle from mom's arm as she yells at siblings to clean house... dangle from mom's arm as she tries to cook with one hand... dangle from mom's hip (with mom's foot propped on counter because her poor excuse for a bicep can  no longer hold her BIG baby) while she still cooks with one hand... lay on floor because mom cannot cook with one hand.

6:00 pm:  whimper... cry... EAT!!!

6:05 pm:  sleep

7:00 pm:  pull lullaby toy... smile... giggle... jiggle... EAT!!!

7:05 pm:  daddy hold... daddy bounce... daddy tickle... daddy smile... daddy airplane... daddy laugh... daddy "Hey Stud!"... daddy throw... daddy adore.

8:30 pm:  whimper... rub eyes...EAT!!!

8:35 pm:  mommy sing... mommy snuggle... mommy kisses... mommy hugs... mommy love... 

8:36 pm:  sleep

Life lessons

As dinner was winding down, my husband asked one of our children, "How was school today?"

"It was so fun! Today I made an igloo with marshmallows! Do you want to see it?"

My husband answered, "Sure."

"Where did I put it..."

"I would look in your room." I said.

The child ran to the bedroom, giving me ample time to dig through the garbage and pull it out.

Life lesson-Wait at least one day to "file away" the kids school projects.

Sold to the highest bidder

Being Asian is not the only thing that defines me.  Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a pretty integral part of my life.  I bring this up because I am going to use a lot of terms that may not make sense to those of you not within this faith.  

Relief Society:  The church's women's organization--the largest women's organization in the world.

Enrichment:  Quarterly meetings (outside of Sunday meetings) that allow the women within Relief Society, and friends gather, have an activity, and share in each other's company.

For one Enrichment Activity, the ladies set up a service auction.  Women signed up to donate something or serve somehow, and their donations were auctioned off using fake money that was earned (check off items you have done in past day/week/month and tally points).  Items auctioned included beautifully painted wooden blocks with the word, "Simplify" on them, scrapbook pages, baby sitting, cleaning, weeding, flower arrangements, framed mirror, porceline art, cookies, cakes, pies, and so on.  

Since most ladies probably had earned over $500, there was plenty of money to be spent.  The auctioneer, my neighbor, began the bidding of most items at $50.  Most were sold between $150 to $250.  Some went up as high as $800.  

My service was up for auction now.

"[Token Asian Friend] has donated tutoring services for your kids in Math and Science," the auctioneer said.  "Pretty much, ladies, we are bidding on her intelligence."  A light wave of laughter rippled across the room.  He continued, "We'll start the bidding at $10."

It sold for $30.

:(

Hello Kitty

A reader left a comment questioning the relationship between Hello Kitty brand items and one's Asian-ness.   I agree that there is some correlation, but it cannot single-handedly determine a person's degree of Asian-inity.  

The graph reaches a point where it is not possible to buy more Hello Kitty items at 75% Asian.  From there, it pretty much plateaus at 598,215 items.

Let us see how Asian my kids are.  Here are the Hello Kitty items they own:

(coloring book)

(umbrella)

(toothbrush)

So the graph tells us that my kids are between 12.5% and 25% Asian...

...or perhaps it tells us that I don't love my children and want to deprive them of Asian-osity...

...or perhaps the graph reflects my current boycott of all things Hello Kitty after we went to the Hello Kitty store in the mall, and I promised my kids I would buy them something, and so they found these cheap looking umbrellas with price tags that were near impossible to read, and I ended up buying multiple umbrellas for $27 a pop.

I mean, it could be anything, really.

Now lets look and see how Asian I am.  Here are the Hello Kitty Items I owned.

That is right.  None.  You might ask yourself, "How can that be possible?"

And my answer is:

Who needs Hello Kitty when you could have...

(This is a picture of me!)

...Hello Candy!  Just as creepy-cute, still doesn't have a mouth, and only a fraction of the price!

You've got to love Asia and their knock-offs.  Looks like I am Asian after all!

(I'm pretty sure I owned a few Hello Tikky items, too.)

Somewhere in the Orient...

"My stomach hungry," I said to my native aunt in broken [Asian].

She barked a command to her brother and husband, and off they went to find me something to eat off the street (i.e. from a vendor).  My native mother wasn't there, and so my brother and I were left alone with non-English-speaking relatives and a very limited common vocabulary.

But when they came back, never had American-Born-Asian eyes been so wide with excitement.  The smell was magnificent.  Tender pieces of battered meat gently placed on a skewer and deep fried to perfection.  They handed me the kabob and my hand had hardly grabbed hold of the floppy stick before a piece of it was in my mouth.

As I chewed, my mouth began to sense something very different that what my brain was anticipating.  Liquid fat exploded out of the meat with every bite.  Just as quickly as it had entered, the piece of meat was expelled from my mouth.

"What is this?" I asked in English as I wiped dripping grease from my chin.  The native spectators were too busy laughing and pointing at the related stranger to pay attention, so I repeated in their native tongue, "This is what???"

One uncle responded, but I did not understand what he said.

Then another uncle tried to clarify, "Chicken [Asian word]."

The Asian word I understood.  It was the Asian word for butt.

  

Straight from a western novel?

"Easy.  Easy, boy.  You're okay.  You are okay," she said unconvincingly as she stretched her arm toward the immobilized creature.  "You'll be alright.  I've got you."  

His wild eyes flashed with fear.  His muscles flinched with her every move as she inched closer and closer to him.   He lay there, helpless, unable to move.  As he struggled to remove himself from her ever looming presence, he used his only defense, and belted one last call to his mother.

..................

"Hey!  Leave the baby alone!!!"

America / Asia

A little comparison between America and Asia.

American Icy Hot

Asian Icy Hot

(for muscle, joint, bone aches.  Also reduces fever)

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American Semi-Truck

Asian Semi-Truck

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American Fish

Asian Fish

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American Comfort

Asian Comfort

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American Digestive Relief

Asian Digestive Relief

(These little black pills are the stomach/intestinal cure all, but you have to get past the smell of the pill and of you after eating the pill!  If you've ever been near one, you KNOW what I am talking about!)

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American Burrito (well, sort of . . . . North American.)

Asian Burrito

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America Under Construction

Asia Under Construction

(They really do wear those hats when they do construction work!)

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But, in one area, Asia stands alone....

Food Presentation (Yes, that is a toilet bowl.)