Our Plans for Tonight

Wife Text:  [Child] would like to learn about John the Baptist for Family Home Evening.  Do you want me to plan it?

Husband Text:  Sure.  I'll get the crickets

Wife Text:  Gross.  I'll go skin a wild beast.

Husband Text:  Let's catch something tonight and skin it as a family!

.....................................

What will you be doing for Family Home Evening?

Public Display of Affection

He sat there beside her.  Nervously, but with mustered courage, he moved to put his arm around her.  As it rested on the back of her seat, she slowly leaned forward, completely avoiding his touch.  And there they remained until the end of the performance.  

...........................

What was the meanest thing you did to your husband while you were dating?

Why is it?

Why is it when kid toys play the melody to "This old man," my kids start singing the Barney theme song?

Why is it that the dentist office left a message for ME to call THEM to confirm the appointment?

Why is it that the person who wipes the most bums in the household is also the person who handles the most food?

How to measure one's greatness...

While I was eating a microwaveable egg roll, I read this on the side of the box: 

Thanks Confucius!  Some people may think you contributed to the world with your wisdom and philosophic guidance.  But, the greatest gift you gave to mankind was apparently your egg rolls!  

................................

Meanwhile, someone is cooking pancakes on this...

.........................

So, how do we measure one's greatness?

I used to think it was by how you serve others...

But, now, it looks as if it is by how others serve you.

Jello, anyone?

Pill Popper and Jaw Dropper

Because of allergies, colds, prevention of colds, and a slight lack of pain tolerance, my husband will often use OTC medication to relieve his symptoms. I, on the otherhand, have a high sensitivity to drugs (which is often confused with a high tolerance for pain--do not be deceived!) and try to avoid medication altogether.

My kid comes up to me with a gummy bear vitamin pinched between his/her lips. With the part of the mouth not holding the vitamin, he/she mumbles, "Mommy, can you get me a drink?"

Looks like its genetic. And dominant.

In other news, guess what my husband called me today.

[His mother's name].

Alex Boye

If you remember this post, I found it on YouTube!!!

ENJOY!!!

How well do you know me? The A's to Q's 6-10

Again, if you missed the quiz, or the answers to 1-5, check those out if you want.

6. What was my first job?
a) McDonalds at front counter
b) Nanny/cook/maid (It was originally just supposed to be nanny
c) Credit Card Application Extractor
d) Third Party Verifier

At some point in time, I worked each of these jobs. But my first job was c) Credit Card Application Extractor. It was a job for only the cerebrally-advanced, requiring a unique set of cognitive skills that most mortals can't even fathom having in their possession.

In a stack of pre-cut [credit card company] envelopes, we would take out the envelopes with a blue square on the back, because those envelopes were credit card applications.

If that went way above your head, go ahead and read it as many times as necessary until you understand the complexity of that task.

7. Which one of these do I find most annoying?
a) Sid the Science Kid
b) Martha the dog
c) Spongebob Squarepants
d) Caillou

While I do loath all of these, the one that I can't stand the most is a) Sid the Science Kid. The show itself teaches great stuff but...
--With most shows, I can at least like one of the characters. In this show, I don't like ALL of the characters.
--The computer animated cartoons are so close to looking like real people (with big heads, funky hair, and weird faces) that it is creepy.
--The Asian-appearing girl, Mei, is portrayed as an airhead, which is preposterous!
--When I watch it, I feel like I have ADHD.

8. Which am I not?
a) bum-slapper
b) nervous-laugher
c) side-hugger
d) a winker

I am not c) a side-hugger. I am a nervous laugher, and so is one of my kids. When I am put in a situation where I don't know what to say (like when my friend told me she's getting a divorce) I just smile and laugh. It's a very bad thing.

9. What phrase do I not use when referring to my kids?
a) the skinny one
b) the white one
c) the chubby one
d) the dark one

Well, I need to be honest. I use all of those to describe my kids, and more (the accident-prone one, the troublemaker, the good one, the buck-toothed one, etc.). It really depends on the situation. BUT, the one listed here that I use the LEAST is d) the dark one.

10. How did I meet my husband?
a) EFY
b) His Mission
c) Teaching English
d) Singles Ward.

The answer is b) his mission. Someone didn't lock his heart!

How well do you know me? The A's for Q's 1-5

Well, if you haven't seen the quiz, go to that first and make your own guesses.  

For those of you who have seen the quiz, I think I have a lot of explaining to do...

1.  What is the most typically Asian thing I do?

a) Drink soup from the bowl

b) Cut in line

c) Drive with an Asian tassel hanging from my rear view mirror

d) Point with my middle finger

First, let me explain that these really are things a native Asian will do.  It's how you can tell the native Asians from the American Born Asians.

So, this the girl who cut in front of me and my kids during the Disneyland Play Parade--yep, she's a native.

Some habitual traits do get passed on from one generation to the next, though.  So, for me, the answer is:  

a) Drink soup from the bowl.

2.  Which one of these statements is not true?

I can relate with the following Arrested Development character because...

a) Tobias, because I use to wear  running shorts under my clothes

b) George Michael, because I had a crush on my cousin

c) Maeby, because I always did the opposite of what my parents asked me to do

d) Oscar, because I lived in a trailer

The answer c) is the one that is untrue.  Remember, I am a filial child.

About the rest...I know.  I KNOW!!!  But hear me out.  I can explain.

a)--Did I never mention my fear of being "pantsed" or having my dress/skirt flip up in the wind?  No?  

b)--Don't be grossed out.  I had a crush on anything with a Y chromosome that didn't live in my own house.  I was only [x] years old.  I didn't know any better.  (2 is less than x is less than 6)

d)--This was not the highlight of my childhood, but we had to live somewhere while waiting for available base housing.

3. What am I most obsessed about?

a) My meds

b) Making sure my children's outfits match each other

c) Driving right at the speed limit

d) Putting things in rainbow color order

 

The answer is d).  Driving right at the speed limit was so way back in high school.  

4. Which of these do I find most creepy?

a) Jack from Jack in the Box

b) The King from Burger King

c) Ronald McDonald

d) Wendy's red ponytails

The answer is a) Jack from Jack in the Box.  Without a doubt.  I can't even eat in there because the pictures of Jack freak me out.

5. What did I not do last week?

a) Read my new camera's entire instruction manual

b) Look at stars and the moon through my telescope

c) Save a child from drowning

d) Re-string my Rubik's Magic

The answer is b).  I did not look at stars and the moon through my telescope.  The kid I saved was my kid...the same kid I endangered by not putting any floatation devices on him/her in the first place.  

And, thanks to YouTube, I learned how to re-string my Rubik's Magic (I told you I was a nerd!!!).  And, guess what I'll be doing this week...again...

Dang kids.  

I blame it on the Canadian side.  :)

How well do you know me?

Here is a little quiz to see how well you know me.  I will answer in a couple of days.  Until then, guess away! 

1.  What is the most typically Asian thing I do?

a) Drink soup from the bowl

b) Cut in line

c) Drive with an Asian tassel hanging from my rear view mirror.

d) Point with my middle finger

2.  Which one of these statements is not true?

I can relate with the following Arrested Development character because...

a) Tobias, because I used to wear running shorts under my clothes

b) George Michael, because I had a crush on my cousin

c) Maeby, because I always did the opposite of what my parents asked me to do

d) Oscar, because I lived in a trailer

3.  What am I most obsessed about?

a) My meds

b) Making sure my children's outfits match each other

c) Driving right at the speed limit

d) Putting things in rainbow color order

4.  Which of these do I find most creepy?

a) Jack from Jack in the Box

b) The King from Burger King
c) Ronald McDonald
d) Wendy's red ponytails.

5.  What did I not do last week?

a) Read my new camera's entire instruction manual

b) Look at stars and the moon through my telescope

c)  Save a child from drowning

d) Re-string my Rubik's Magic

6.  What was my first job?

a) McDonalds at front counter

b) Nanny/cook/maid (It was originally just supposed to be nanny)

c) Credit card application extractor

d) Third Party Verifier

7.  Which one of these do I find the most annoying?

   a) Sid the Science Kid

b) Martha the dog
c) Spongebob Squarepants
d) Caillou

8.  Which am I not?

a) Bum-slapper

b) nervous-laugher

c) side-hugger

d) a winker

9.  What phrase do I not use when referring to my kids?

a) The skinny one

b) The white one

c) The chubby one

d) The dark one

10.  How did I meet my husband?

a) EFY

b) His mission

c) Teaching English

d) Singles Ward

What about YOU?

?

My family and I were at a park.  In the park was this piece of play equipment:

On that play equipment was this sticker:

(I apologize for the fuzzy picture.  Just the first 3 lines are important, though)

I choose to be offended.

Brat

I am a military brat.  Now, I don't exactly know what that means, or why I am called that.  I normally think a brat is someone that is spoiled and ungrateful.  From what I experienced, kids raised in military families are generally neither of those.  

First of all, we lived in base housing--duplexes, for the most part.  Old duplexes, with a carport instead of a garage, and spiders. We used a lot of acronyms growing up.  I don't know what they stand for, but I can use them fluently:  TDY, ROTC, BX, NCO, BXPX, ID.  We played with red and blue ink pads with "Top Secret" stamps.  My dad would bring us stickers with different types of missiles on them, and I would say things like, "My favorite is the Peacekeeper" or "Can I have your Minuteman?"  We (well, my brother anyway) knew the names of every plane ever built, and we have TONS of photos of blue sky with specks on it--specks that were later circled and identified as "B-52" or "F-16."  

We would watch the news, and look at our dad whenever war or conflict was reported.  For some reason, those headlines seemed to carry a lot of weight in our family.  

I remember wearing my dad's navy colored cap, and slipping my feet into oversized shiny black shoes. 

I remember going to the base movie theater.  It only had one movie screen, so everyone would gather in the lobby, and then sit down in the theater together.  The commercials would play, popcorn would be eaten, drinks would be slurped, and then the moment would arrive.

We all stand up and watch the flag wave on the screen.  We put our hands over hearts and everyone in that room joined in singing The Star Spangled Banner.  As soon as the music stopped, there would be a cheer, and then the movie would begin.  

......................................

Now, knowing my background, you can imagine the feelings that filled my heart as I woke up one July morning to find about twenty American flags waving in my yard.

Did we have a family member serving in the Armed Forces?

No.

Did someone die?

No.

Was it Independence Day?

No.

Did we have a Gold Medal Olympian living in our house?

No.

Then why the flags?

Our neighbors put them in our yard to antagonize my husband.  You see, it was July 1st, and my husband had organized the 3rd Annual [Neighborhood] Canada Day Parade.  

The fact that I support my husband's parading around the neighborhood makes me a saint.

The fact that I thoroughly enjoyed having those flags in my yard...well, I guess that is what makes me a brat.

My Space

Personal space is a very real thing.  The average westerner has a personal space of about 2 feet in each direction.  When people come within those two feet, we will instinctively begin to feel uncomfortable, and subconsciously, or consciously, move away from them.   

My husband and I were at a business formal event when we were approached by a close-talker.  Now, from my experience there are two types of close-talkers:  the ultra-friendly kind that you don't want to offend, and the psycho kind that you definitely don't want to offend.  This guy was of the ultra-friendly sort, but that did not make the situation any less awkward.  

We stood there, literally backed into a corner, with no place to go.  My husband was practically sitting on the refreshment table and I was literally rubbing elbows with the man behind me.  

While they were talking, I stood there, calculating our options...

--We could both step to the side and offer him refreshments, but that would require a combined effort...

--I could move in closer to the close-talker himself to the point where HE feels uncomfortable.  It could be misinterpreted as "coming on," but I was willing to take that risk.   

--I could fist-bump and high-five him after everything he says.

--Pull an Elaine-from-Seinfeld and yell an enthusiastic "Shut-up!" with a violent shove.

--Ugly laugh.  Any ugly laugh.

--Sneeze and wipe.

--A repeated standing bow.

--Pick and flick.

--Fake a lost contact, and crawl away.

--Sock puppets!

As I grew more and more anxious, and my "calculated options" became more and more desperate, my husband simply handed him a business card, and within a minute the man had left.

{tearing up}  I married a social genius!

Meat

I was watching a conservative comedian's news talk show last night.  Some of you might know it as the Colbert Report.  Mr. Colbert invited a guest, Mark Bittman, on to his show.  Mr. Bittman is a journalist-turned-chef who writes environmentally conscious books/cookbooks, such as Food Matters:  A Guide to Conscious Eating, to help humans lesson their impact on the environment (which begs the question: How many trees were killed to print this book?  Huh, Mr. Bittman?  Huh?).  In the interview, Mr. Bittman threw out a statistic.  It was this:

-Humans, on average, eat 3 pounds of food a day.

-1/2 pound of the food eaten is meat.

-1 and 1/2 pounds of the food eaten is made from other animal products.

-That's a total of 2/3 of our food coming from animals.

-"Industrialized livestock" are contributing to 1/5 of the greenhouse gasses produced every year.

-We each eat an average of 30 whole animals a year (I actually eat a lot more, but they are just the small dumb ones, so they don't count).

Mr. Bittman suggests that if we all choose to eat less meat, it will eventually lead to a reduction of greenhouse gasses.

I feel really torn.  I have a deep desire to save the earth.  We pay to recycle.  We bought the most fuel efficient minivan on the market (yes, there is one...sort of).  I don't drive much.  I only bake in the winter.  We have switched all of our light bulbs to compact fluorescent light bulbs.  We use environmentally friendly laundry detergent...and so on and so forth.  I feel as if we are really trying to be more environmentally conscious and reduce our carbon print.

Now...

...asking me to give up electricity, gas, and convenience is one thing.  

But...

...asking me to give up my daily bacon and cheese burrito and meat baby is going too far.  

(Thanks to my husband's co-workers who send him these articles)

Solid, Liquid, and Gas

I'm pretty sure my toddler swallowed gum today.  And, I'm pretty sure it was while I was telling a lady that my kid knows not to swallow gum.

Which brings me to my next point.  They say that it takes 7 years to digest a piece of gum.  What "they" fail to mention is the fact that a piece of gum is not going to stay in you for 7 years.  The GI tract is no respecter of foods.  The stomach does not have a brain that "chooses" if something has been broken down enough to move on to the small intestines.  The small intestine doesn't filter out chunks of undigested matter and fling it up-bowel for another absorptive pass.  The digestive tract is simply a large conveyor belt, where the body takes as much as it can, and microbes feed off of the rest until it and it's resulting fumes are expelled.  

Which brings me to my next point.  Apparently, our bodies don't find the cloth used to make Polly Pocket clothing to be very nutritious.  Neither do the microbes.   

Which brings me to my next point.  I think that was the first time my baby ever pooped something solid.  

Disappointed

My husband came home with this box of gum from Costco.  The quarter is there for a size reference.  

But, when I opened the box, I was upset to see a large empty space, flanked by a few packets of gum.  Again, the quarter is there as a size reference.

You would think I could figure it out on my own (that this box was big enough to hold 30 packs of gum and I only bought 12), but I was shocked nonetheless.  

I think the last time I was this disappointed was when I found out a Toblerone is segmented, and not one solid triangular bar of chocolate.

Dang you, Toblerone, I want my missing wedges of chocolate!