BOGO No No

I love how Payless shoes started promoting the term "BOGO" and now I see it everywhere.

But, I have to admit, I find the term a little misleading. After all, it isn't "Buy One Get One." It is really "Buy One Get One Half Off."

You know, BOGOHO.

While on an airplane

Our Flight Attendent announced, "Our flight will be full today, so those of you with an empty seat next to you may want to choose a seat buddy before they choose you."

I looked from my window seat to my husband sitting next to me and teased, "I wonder who choose you as their seat buddy." He looked at the empty seat next to him then glanced up at the line of people.

A team of female college soccer players filled aisle.

With the brightest smile, he said, "I'll be fine with whoever chooses me."

Implied Admission by Silence

Sometimes it is not what people say, but what they don't say that incriminates them.

...............................

Husband: So, was it fun going to five different stores and spending tons of money?
Wife: I only went to two stores...

..........................


(About a decade ago)

Sorority Sister : So, [Token Asian Friend], who do like?
Me: Nope. I'm not telling.
SS: Come on! Tell me! Is it someone I know?
Me: {silence}
SS: Is he in a fraternity?
Me: {silence}
SS: He IS, isn't he? Which fraternity is it? Is it [Fraternity's name]?
Me: {silence}
SS: I knew it. I see you hanging out with those frat guys all of the time. Oh! I know who it is! Is it [name]?
Me: {silently amused}
SS: Ha! I figured it out, didn't I? Hey girls, guess who [Token Asian Friend] likes!

This explains why, a few months later, this particular young man,who I vaguely knew, felt the need to pull me aside and tell me that he was engaged.

I would have been broken hearted, if I had actually liked him.

"Training"

A group of neighbor kids, and a few of my own, stiffly walk toward me, some with their chests puffed out, others hunched over, straining their necks to look behind them, all of them with proud smiles on our faces.

The ringleader steps forward with a clasped purse in her hands. "We all have grasshoppers on us. I've been training them."

Sure enough, each kid had a grasshopper clinging to their clothes. One grasshopper falls, and the "owner" grabs it with the fine motor skills of a pre-schooler, and sticks it back on his shirt.

She continues, "We're taking them for a walk. They don't even jump. I've been training them all day."

She unclasps the purse and pulls out another grasshopper. "I've trained this one to play dead."

if...

If the pastry people are going to put this picture on the cover of their box...

Then they should also tell me where to buy the midgi-berries that fit inside.

**************************

If you are wondering how bad of a driver I am...

Yes, my child fears for PEZ Bell's safety.

************************

If some people think this yellow highlighter is green...

Then I can see how the grocery store mistook these bananas to be yellow.

*******************

If my ideal day could be encapsulated in one picture...

Help Me

Uh-oh.

My clothes that I've had since college are beginning to wear out. By clothes, I mean the free shirts I got for being in nerd programs (including, but not limited to my "I am a Biohazard" T-shirt, and my "BURP--Biology Undergraduate Research Program" T-shirt). And by wear out, I mean they are one wash away from becoming a necklace.

So, I have a few choices.

a) I could go sign up for a bunch of credit cards and get more free t-shirts.

b) I could cut up the college shirts, make a quilt, and then wear the quilt.

c) I could buy larger clothes for my daughter(s) and share with them, because middle aged women look good in . . . High School Musical stuff.

d) I could take in my maternity clothes.

e) I could buy new clothes, but shopping for myself frustrates me. I usually end up looking like this.

I call this one, "Ellen Degeneres goes to Church"

Don't get me wrong, I like to try cute things on, but as soon as I do, I think, "This is not me."

I just need something that screams, "TOKEN ASIAN FRIEND."

Perfect.

Why I smack my husband

While stopped at a stoplight on a busy street, my husband glanced out his window. "Well, they certainly like purple," he said. I looked and saw a group of women dressed in different outfits, but all wearing purple.

"You don't want to say that too loud," I mentioned. "The sunroof is open."

Still looking out his own window, he yelled, "WELL, THEY CERTAINLY LIKE PURPLE!"

Then turned to me, looked at my purple shirt, and said, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD WALK WITH THEM!"

...................................