if...

If the pastry people are going to put this picture on the cover of their box...

Then they should also tell me where to buy the midgi-berries that fit inside.

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If you are wondering how bad of a driver I am...

Yes, my child fears for PEZ Bell's safety.

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If some people think this yellow highlighter is green...

Then I can see how the grocery store mistook these bananas to be yellow.

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If my ideal day could be encapsulated in one picture...

Help Me

Uh-oh.

My clothes that I've had since college are beginning to wear out. By clothes, I mean the free shirts I got for being in nerd programs (including, but not limited to my "I am a Biohazard" T-shirt, and my "BURP--Biology Undergraduate Research Program" T-shirt). And by wear out, I mean they are one wash away from becoming a necklace.

So, I have a few choices.

a) I could go sign up for a bunch of credit cards and get more free t-shirts.

b) I could cut up the college shirts, make a quilt, and then wear the quilt.

c) I could buy larger clothes for my daughter(s) and share with them, because middle aged women look good in . . . High School Musical stuff.

d) I could take in my maternity clothes.

e) I could buy new clothes, but shopping for myself frustrates me. I usually end up looking like this.

I call this one, "Ellen Degeneres goes to Church"

Don't get me wrong, I like to try cute things on, but as soon as I do, I think, "This is not me."

I just need something that screams, "TOKEN ASIAN FRIEND."

Perfect.

Why I smack my husband

While stopped at a stoplight on a busy street, my husband glanced out his window. "Well, they certainly like purple," he said. I looked and saw a group of women dressed in different outfits, but all wearing purple.

"You don't want to say that too loud," I mentioned. "The sunroof is open."

Still looking out his own window, he yelled, "WELL, THEY CERTAINLY LIKE PURPLE!"

Then turned to me, looked at my purple shirt, and said, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD WALK WITH THEM!"

...................................

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea:

Making a Buddha envelope holder.

Bad Idea:

Making a Buddha candle.

This week I:

Sewed dresses.
Quilted.
Hand-washed dishes outside.
Sweated while weeding and pruning under the hot sun.
Fixed multiple bikes.
Baked carrot cake and zucchini bread.
Made a salad from my own garden vegetables.
Killed 150 grasshoppers.


It's amazing how pioneer-like we become when the cable gets turned off.

On my mind...

1) I buy my kids clothes, and they change their outfits three times a day. I make my kids clothes, and they wear it all day long. Doing less laundry almost made it worth my while.

2) I don't mind telling people my cold symptoms, if they are runny nose, sore throat, phlegmy cough, fever, body chills, malaise, rash, headache, sputum, puffy eyes, body aches, cramping, open wounds, or vomiting. But, I feel uncomfortable telling people if I have, um, lower, uh, intestinal-type, {clear throat} evacuation-related issues.

3) This is probably the coolest picture I've ever taken:

4) My kids kept asking me what the black stuff was on the Cheetos. I told them not to worry about it, and to keep enjoying the orange salty goodness.

Turns out it was just black ashes flaking off an incinerated puff. Or hairs off of a fried rat leg.

5) Why is it that men can slam themselves into solid masses for the sake of a sport, pull impaled objects out of their own bodies without wincing, lacerate their own flesh, but they are dead to the world when sick with a little cold?

Thanks to my sister-in-law, I now know the answer:

It's for the Blog

       My husband has a blog.  It is a food critique blog, for one specific type of food . . . like a hoagie or a taco.  Apparently, his palate is so refined that he can detect minute differences in the food's texture, flavor, components, and methods of preparation.  It really is quite a gift (he claims).  

       So, for the sake of his blog, he eats this particular food quite often.  He even analyzes the side dishes and condiments.   And, surprisingly, it just happens to be one of the foods that I nag him about eating.  But, I can't nag any more.  He no longer eats them for recreation.  It's for the blog.

So, I'm going to do one for my blog.

First, I chose three brands of my favorite meal.

Then, I prepared them all using the same method.

I sampled each one, eating a Swedish Fish between each sample to re-center my taste buds.

I checked the texture and volume of the foam.

I noted the richness of their colors and opacity.

I whiffed each one while swirling the glass.

Then, I stuck my nose in each glass and inhaled deeply.

I sipped them.

I rolled them.

I gargled them.

I swished them.

Then, I swallowed them.

Next, I tried each one with my favorite side dish.

Then I use a handful of Swedish Fish to rinse the buds, and repeat the process.

After my thorough analysis, my findings were:

Inconclusive.

Dang, looks like I'm going to have to do it all over again tomorrow.

For the blog, of course.