Why I hit my husband, part II

On our way home from a recent date:



Husband: When we get home, could you massage my back?

Me: No. That is why you bought that massage chair.

Husband: No. That's why I bought you dinner.

Ten Days

I turned to one of my friends and said to him excitedly, "So, ten days, huh?"

"Yes," he said, and began to describe to me the painful process of dealing with short sales, real estate agents, wrong e-mail addresses, and being able to finally iron out the new house details ten days from now.

I should have been more specific.

I should have said, "So, your wife is due in ten days, huh?"

Guilt Rap

Sometimes I rap (in my head.)

-----------------------------------

Why is it all the food I like is never good?

I never order entrees that I know I should.

The choice between fried or steamed isn't hard to make.

Neither is the choice between nothing or cake.

But as soon as I order that caloric meal

There's an annoying feeling I begin to feel.

Guilt.

Have you ever had a bite?

Guilt's the anti-flavor.

Anti-joy,

An-ti-de-light.

Guilt.

Instead of saying, "Yum!"

Your brain yells, "Calories!"

"Trans-fat!"

And "So-di-um!"

Guilt.

Every time you try a taste

You think of all the inches

In your ever

Ex-pan-ding waist.

Guilt.

By the time main course is through

The guilt begins to calculate

the crunches

You'll. Have. To. Do.

Guilt.

The next round will make you frown.

Yes, you'll order the dessert

But you'll have

To. Choke. It. Down.

Guilt.

So

you'll

be.

Running

Rowing

Bow-Flex Bow-ing.

Lifting

Swimming

Cyc-ling, Spin-ning

Abs

Glutes

Bi's and Tri's

Calves

Quads

Hips. And. Thighs.

Resulting in a body that is lean and built.

All because you eat your meals.

With. A. Side. Of....

Guilt.

First Library Book

My kid brought home his/her first library book home from school. The child was extremely excited about the whole library process, and eagerly began reading the book.

It's was story about a boy who moves to a new school and is nervous about meeting new friends. His teacher, who was new that year, too, told him that she was nervous as well. She said that her fondest wish was for him to eat lunch with her that day. And every day, he and his classmates noticed that she had a new fondest wish, whether it be that Dylan and Jonathan get along, or they all memorize a poem. They looked forward to hearing what her new fondest wish would be.

One day, the teacher died.





School is turning out to be a real bummer.

I present to you:

Token Asian Friend's Tire Art

I call this "Parallel Parking."

Flattering

When I was 16 or so, my friend's mom took me, her two teenage daughters, and a single friend with her teenage daughter, out to dinner at a western-themed restaurant including live actors. As we sat together, enjoying our meal, and watching pretend cowboys shoot at each other, a few of the college-age cowboys came to our table and began to chat with us. They would stop by and visit every few minutes, but when it came time to leave, one of them ran out into the parking lot after us.

"Wait. Wait, Miss, I have to tell you something."

We all turned around to look, wondering which of the Ms.'s he was addressing. He walked up to us and stepped in front of the only Mrs. in the bunch and said, "I just need to tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

Flattering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

While in the most po-dunk town in the most po-dunk state in the entire continental United States, I was walking toward my minivan, parked next to the interstate. A a truck full of construction workers drove by. The one in the passenger seat leaned out the window, waving his arm yelling, "He-ey!!!" while another howled, "Ow! Ow!" and the driver grumbled, "Yah!"

Not flattering.

I mean, come on! They didn't even use real words. {pout}

What to do?

Hmmmmmm....

I never saw THIS scenario in the Driver's Ed book...