In lieu of flowers, please send bread and mayo.

As my oldest was pouring cereal for the younger siblings, I jokingly mentioned to them how comforted I was to know that the oldest could take care of the others if anything happened to their mommy and daddy.

At which point, the eldest child turns to the others and says, "OK, guys, we are having cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch and dinner after mom and dad die."

Naming Babies

Baby naming is a source of frustration for me. Since I have historically been the one to carry our babies, I like to know what to call the thing that is beating me up from the inside. My husband, since he is usually NOT the one gestating the fetus, sees no rush in finding a name for the baby.

In my efforts to speed up the process, I have written lists upon lists upon lists of names per baby, sometimes following him around the house listing off names in a baby book. However, my already elevated blood pressure usually skyrockets when he hands me the list with every name crossed off, or he repeatedly answers, "No, no, no, no, no..." and occasionally the, "Are you kidding me? You would really want to name your child that? No."

So, after a few kids, I have learned to wait until he gives me his list of names (usually a list of one). By then, I am so desperate to bond with this creature that competes with me for my own body cavity's space, that I quickly agree and then I give birth.

As the children get older, I have found that they are just as willing to give me names as I was to give my husband names. And, I found myself repeatedly saying, "No, no, no, no," or "Really? You want me to name your sibling that?"

For example:

Kerna
Tigerlilly
Alison Wonderland
Jackson (not a bad name, just more common than I would like)
Dora (if it's a girl)
Diego (if it's a boy)
Boots (if it's a monkey)
Alisea
Reese (ever seen Malcolm in the Middle?)
Bellerunda
Bunerella

But, the best was when one of my kids came to me with a name written on a piece of paper.

MULE.

"You want me to name your sibling Mule?"

"No, mom. Em-uh-lee (M-U-LE)."

So, just for fun, I'm going to refer to this kid as Mule.



Mule has arrived.

Welcome to my Blog Barn!

(Only because it bugs the tar out of me...)

If you decide to open a business and you are trying to brainstorm a name, will you do me a personal favor? Can you not have it include the word "Barn?" Unless your business directly involves livestock, or manure, or alfalfa, please don't use the word "barn" in your business name.

I have heard of "Dress Barn" and this is what I think they sell...

And when I heard of a place called "Car Barn" my mind automatically thought....

I refuse to even enter these businesses because of the word "Barn."

So, for those of you thinking of calling your store "Tire Barn" or "Jewelry Barn" or "Burger Barn" or "Sushi Barn" or "Electronic Barn" or "Bridal Barn" or "Dollar Barn" or "Ballet Barn" or "Office Barn" or "Furniture Barn" or "Fitness Barn" or "Insta-care Barn," just be warned that you have automatically lost a customer.

Well, all except for you, "Burger Barn." You actually kind of make sense.

Scary Dream

My child woke up screaming from a nightmare. I rushed out of bed because 1) I didn't want the child's screams to wake the other children, and 2) sometimes when this child screams in the night, the bed is less than a minute away from being wet.

So I pulled the child out of bed and brought him/her to the bathroom and said, "Shhhhh. You don't need to cry. Your bad dream is all over," at which point the child began to scream louder.

That's when I realized I should have cleared my throat BEFORE trying to console the child.

My Hobbies

So, I'm going to admit something that I have thus far withheld from the world wide webs.

I love quilts.

I could stare at a quilting magazine all day.

I love the piecing.

I love the free-motion sewing.

I love that people combine odd color combinations to create beautiful masterpieces.

I love the creativity that goes in every step of the quilting process.

So, it should come as no surprise that when I see a quilt at a historical center, or fabric store, or hotel lobby, I stop and stare at it, closely at first, and then once I gain an appreciation for the quilter's skill in the details, I step back and take in the whole thing.

I've even stopped women in the grocery store, and stared at the covered babies in car seats, and whispered to them, "What a beautiful baby quilt!" Sometimes I forget to comment on the actual baby.

I was at a doctor's office and noticed a quilt on the wall. I had noticed other quilts in their hallways, but I had never seen this quilt before, so I went to look at it.

The colors of this quilt are bright and beautiful. Some of the pieces we see here are about an inch in size! The free-motion quilting was done with a machine, but hand guided to make those beautiful, and complex designs that quilt the pieced layer together with the batting and the bottom layer. The stitches are small and even, and it was obvious that this was done by an extremely talented quilter.

After staring at the minute details, I took a step back to take in the whole quilt.

But within seconds, I gave the quilt a double take...

WHAT???

AAAAAACCCCKKKK!!! Is that a picture of a double uterus???

And those images that looked abstract, weren't so abstract anymore.

They were actual pictures....

of actual internal organs....

of actual humans.

As I stood there, mouth and eyes wide open, the quilter in me began to cry...

while the science buff in me gave it a standing ovation.

How to raise a Man-Child

Always refer to him as a super-hero, like "Captain Tree-Hugger."

Encourage him to bond with nature.

Always avoid the appearance of evil.

If you want him to grow up to be a man, you need to let him get his hands dirty...

...But he also must know when to be proper.

Let the father teach him by example.

Help him ride the waves of life.

When he asks you to paint his nails, always make sure he is wearing a tough guy shirt.

My Rage.

Instacare Doctor: So, has your child had a fever?

Me: Yes. When my child woke up two hours ago, he/she was very hot so I gave him/her some Tylenol and he/she has cooled down since then, but still has a mild fever.

ID: What was your child's temperature when he/she woke up.

Me: I didn't measure it because I was more concerned about cooling my child off. I would say over 100.

ID: You can say that, but I'm not going to write that down. I'm just going to write down that your child was warm.

Me: The child was hot enough to concern me. Over 100.

ID: Look. There have been studies done testing mothers of multiple children to see how well they measure temperature. And the mothers failed miserably in estimating temperature. So, it doesn't matter how confident you are, you can say whatever you want, but I'm not going to believe you. I'm going to write down that he/she was warm.

What could I say? He was the doctor. I couldn't argue with the guy.

But if he would have looked at his chart, he would have noticed that my child had a current temperature of 99.5. Considering that and the fact that I had given him/her a fever reducer two hours ago, I think it is fair to say that the temperature was probably above 99.5. Like, I don't know, maybe even above 100.

But what do I know. I'm just the mom.