My poor brother.

When my brother keeps his hair short, he looks a lot like Tiger Woods. That used to be a good thing.

Lately, he's been styling it differently. When I saw him at Christmas, I kept trying to pinpoint who he looked like.

Finally, it came to me, and I blurted it out, "You look like Jon Gosselin from 'Jon and Kate Plus Eight!'"

So sad that the only famous Half-Asian men to compare him to are scummy husbands.

Be honest...

Is it wrong to give your kids Christmas cookies, caramel popcorn, and chocolate covered pretzels for breakfast?

Cartoons are going downhill!

While watching "Little Einsteins"...

Leo (of "Little Einsteins"): The boy had a magic Christmas box. All he had to do was make a wish, and his Christmas gift appeared in the box. If you had a magic Christmas box, what would you wish for?

Daughter: A Barbie. No, wait, MAKE-UP!

(pause)

Leo: Cool! I would wish for that too!

Daughter: HUH?!?

I wasn't at all surprised. I always wondered about that Leo.

The ornaments

My baby plucks the ornaments from the tree,
Like fruit to be harvested.

And then he turns and throws them at me.
Like the enemy to be targeted.

Ethnically speaking

While filling out paperwork to get flu shots, a lot of deep questions pierced my soul.

The form had me list my race. This has always been an internal struggle, especially when it says "Choose one." To choose one would be to deny the other, and that just never felt right. In the end, though, I marked the box next to the race "Asian" as i always end up doing.

Then, the form had an ethnic group category. It said:

Hispanic: Yes _ No _

Wondering why they listed ten different races but only one ethnic group, I went ahead and marked "No."

Then I was faced with the task of filling out forms for my children who cross the color spectrum. Some of my children are OBVIOUSLY not Caucasian, and to say they are Caucasian might cause them to have identity issues. The other children have such strong (and recessive) Caucasian features that to call them Asian would be laughable. So, what do I do? Mark the dark ones Asian and the light ones Caucasian? Just pick one for all of them and hope for the best? Go for the minority because they are more likely to get scholarships?

Instead, because I was not yet willing to commit to one race or the other, I answered the form as truthfully as I could.

My children are of the Other race, but they are not ethnically Hispanic.

Take that, county health department. Try making statistics out of us now.

Why is meal time so FRUSTRATING?

I'm pretty sure there was a time where parents didn't have to force their kids to eat.

Starvation did.

Those were the good ol' days.

Edit or dread it, PART I

A lot of you may feel I'm being harsh about the English spelling and grammar that I found in Asia, and I must make a point.

I will not ever make fun of how a person speaks. If someone is trying their best to communicate in a foreign language, my hat goes off to them, and they should be commended.

I will, however, make fun of things that are put into print, because seriously, they should have someone who speaks the language fluently check that. Don't worry, I also make fun of those people get Asian symbols tattooed on their bodies without checking with an Asian person if it makes sense. ("Why, yes, that symbol DOES mean proud . . . as in arrogant, overbearing, and insolent. Way to get that permanently inked onto your body.")

So, to start the "Edit or dread it" series, let's begin with Asian cards:

---------------------------------------------------------

When you don't want just a part of a dream to come true....

"Happy Birthday

May all your dream come true"

--------------------------------------------------------

When you don't really know what to say...

"Very Wonderfully and More Pleasantly

For You

Time over Something"

------------------------------------

"Love thy enemy" and send them a card.

"Especially Foe You"

-----------------------------------------

Whatever "It" is....

"For You

It is so grateful to have you around"

-------------------------------

In all honesty, this could have been edited by a native English speaker

(from 18th Century England)

"Happy Birthday

Cherish all you appy moments"

Mislabeled

I saw these at an Asian Market and had to buy them.

It says, "Bontex Underwear--For men only"

Turns out, it was mislabeled....

It should have said,

"Belt sold separately."

Which Scooter Speaks to You?

Your scooter is more than just a means of getting from point A to point B,

It is an outward expression of your inner self.

So, tell us...

Which scooter embodies the essence of you?

"Fast, First, and Best"

"The Scooter that adds style to life."

"Good Partner in your life."

"The Friendliest Scooter On Earth"

"For Your Nice Scene"

"Jog is fascinating to you."

"Set me free, let me alone."

"KYMCO brings out the genius in your choice."

"The Scooter form next generational KYMCO."

"No one in the world can be my best partner. Except the zippy difa duke dio tact for new generation."

"The better than than from KYMCO. Better."

"Shuttle in the city jengle, the new, speedy snail clan."

Asian Humor

Here are some funny stickers I found in a book store.

Seriously so funny!!!*

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*

Genius!!!*

Where do they come up with this stuff?*

(* Written thick with sarcasm)

The past two weeks...

What a fun trip. It was good to be back.

20/20 Hindsight

After watching that stray dog relieve itself on a fruit crate in an Asian morning market,

I began to regret eating my grapes before washing them.

Captivated

What has them so captivated?

?

Maybe if I painted the letters BFI on my face,

they would pay attention to me.

Disclaimer:

These might not all be my children.

These might not be all my children.

These might not be my children at all.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day for one of my kids.

And, today will be a rough day for one of my kids.

(Non-washable two-toned crayon on sister's doll, AFTER I washed it.)

You can't pay me to laugh at that.

Every time I watch . . .

. . . wait, let me rephrase that . . .

Every time I am forced to watch "The Suite Life with Zack and Cody," I become more and more convinced that they are NOT recorded in front of a live studio audience.

{insert pre-recorded fake laughter here}

Why I hit my husband, part II

On our way home from a recent date:



Husband: When we get home, could you massage my back?

Me: No. That is why you bought that massage chair.

Husband: No. That's why I bought you dinner.

Ten Days

I turned to one of my friends and said to him excitedly, "So, ten days, huh?"

"Yes," he said, and began to describe to me the painful process of dealing with short sales, real estate agents, wrong e-mail addresses, and being able to finally iron out the new house details ten days from now.

I should have been more specific.

I should have said, "So, your wife is due in ten days, huh?"

Guilt Rap

Sometimes I rap (in my head.)

-----------------------------------

Why is it all the food I like is never good?

I never order entrees that I know I should.

The choice between fried or steamed isn't hard to make.

Neither is the choice between nothing or cake.

But as soon as I order that caloric meal

There's an annoying feeling I begin to feel.

Guilt.

Have you ever had a bite?

Guilt's the anti-flavor.

Anti-joy,

An-ti-de-light.

Guilt.

Instead of saying, "Yum!"

Your brain yells, "Calories!"

"Trans-fat!"

And "So-di-um!"

Guilt.

Every time you try a taste

You think of all the inches

In your ever

Ex-pan-ding waist.

Guilt.

By the time main course is through

The guilt begins to calculate

the crunches

You'll. Have. To. Do.

Guilt.

The next round will make you frown.

Yes, you'll order the dessert

But you'll have

To. Choke. It. Down.

Guilt.

So

you'll

be.

Running

Rowing

Bow-Flex Bow-ing.

Lifting

Swimming

Cyc-ling, Spin-ning

Abs

Glutes

Bi's and Tri's

Calves

Quads

Hips. And. Thighs.

Resulting in a body that is lean and built.

All because you eat your meals.

With. A. Side. Of....

Guilt.

First Library Book

My kid brought home his/her first library book home from school. The child was extremely excited about the whole library process, and eagerly began reading the book.

It's was story about a boy who moves to a new school and is nervous about meeting new friends. His teacher, who was new that year, too, told him that she was nervous as well. She said that her fondest wish was for him to eat lunch with her that day. And every day, he and his classmates noticed that she had a new fondest wish, whether it be that Dylan and Jonathan get along, or they all memorize a poem. They looked forward to hearing what her new fondest wish would be.

One day, the teacher died.





School is turning out to be a real bummer.

I present to you:

Token Asian Friend's Tire Art

I call this "Parallel Parking."