Sold to the highest bidder

Being Asian is not the only thing that defines me.  Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a pretty integral part of my life.  I bring this up because I am going to use a lot of terms that may not make sense to those of you not within this faith.  

Relief Society:  The church's women's organization--the largest women's organization in the world.

Enrichment:  Quarterly meetings (outside of Sunday meetings) that allow the women within Relief Society, and friends gather, have an activity, and share in each other's company.

For one Enrichment Activity, the ladies set up a service auction.  Women signed up to donate something or serve somehow, and their donations were auctioned off using fake money that was earned (check off items you have done in past day/week/month and tally points).  Items auctioned included beautifully painted wooden blocks with the word, "Simplify" on them, scrapbook pages, baby sitting, cleaning, weeding, flower arrangements, framed mirror, porceline art, cookies, cakes, pies, and so on.  

Since most ladies probably had earned over $500, there was plenty of money to be spent.  The auctioneer, my neighbor, began the bidding of most items at $50.  Most were sold between $150 to $250.  Some went up as high as $800.  

My service was up for auction now.

"[Token Asian Friend] has donated tutoring services for your kids in Math and Science," the auctioneer said.  "Pretty much, ladies, we are bidding on her intelligence."  A light wave of laughter rippled across the room.  He continued, "We'll start the bidding at $10."

It sold for $30.

:(

Hello Kitty

A reader left a comment questioning the relationship between Hello Kitty brand items and one's Asian-ness.   I agree that there is some correlation, but it cannot single-handedly determine a person's degree of Asian-inity.  

The graph reaches a point where it is not possible to buy more Hello Kitty items at 75% Asian.  From there, it pretty much plateaus at 598,215 items.

Let us see how Asian my kids are.  Here are the Hello Kitty items they own:

(coloring book)

(umbrella)

(toothbrush)

So the graph tells us that my kids are between 12.5% and 25% Asian...

...or perhaps it tells us that I don't love my children and want to deprive them of Asian-osity...

...or perhaps the graph reflects my current boycott of all things Hello Kitty after we went to the Hello Kitty store in the mall, and I promised my kids I would buy them something, and so they found these cheap looking umbrellas with price tags that were near impossible to read, and I ended up buying multiple umbrellas for $27 a pop.

I mean, it could be anything, really.

Now lets look and see how Asian I am.  Here are the Hello Kitty Items I owned.

That is right.  None.  You might ask yourself, "How can that be possible?"

And my answer is:

Who needs Hello Kitty when you could have...

(This is a picture of me!)

...Hello Candy!  Just as creepy-cute, still doesn't have a mouth, and only a fraction of the price!

You've got to love Asia and their knock-offs.  Looks like I am Asian after all!

(I'm pretty sure I owned a few Hello Tikky items, too.)

Somewhere in the Orient...

"My stomach hungry," I said to my native aunt in broken [Asian].

She barked a command to her brother and husband, and off they went to find me something to eat off the street (i.e. from a vendor).  My native mother wasn't there, and so my brother and I were left alone with non-English-speaking relatives and a very limited common vocabulary.

But when they came back, never had American-Born-Asian eyes been so wide with excitement.  The smell was magnificent.  Tender pieces of battered meat gently placed on a skewer and deep fried to perfection.  They handed me the kabob and my hand had hardly grabbed hold of the floppy stick before a piece of it was in my mouth.

As I chewed, my mouth began to sense something very different that what my brain was anticipating.  Liquid fat exploded out of the meat with every bite.  Just as quickly as it had entered, the piece of meat was expelled from my mouth.

"What is this?" I asked in English as I wiped dripping grease from my chin.  The native spectators were too busy laughing and pointing at the related stranger to pay attention, so I repeated in their native tongue, "This is what???"

One uncle responded, but I did not understand what he said.

Then another uncle tried to clarify, "Chicken [Asian word]."

The Asian word I understood.  It was the Asian word for butt.

  

Straight from a western novel?

"Easy.  Easy, boy.  You're okay.  You are okay," she said unconvincingly as she stretched her arm toward the immobilized creature.  "You'll be alright.  I've got you."  

His wild eyes flashed with fear.  His muscles flinched with her every move as she inched closer and closer to him.   He lay there, helpless, unable to move.  As he struggled to remove himself from her ever looming presence, he used his only defense, and belted one last call to his mother.

..................

"Hey!  Leave the baby alone!!!"

America / Asia

A little comparison between America and Asia.

American Icy Hot

Asian Icy Hot

(for muscle, joint, bone aches.  Also reduces fever)

............................................

American Semi-Truck

Asian Semi-Truck

.........................................

American Fish

Asian Fish

......................................

American Comfort

Asian Comfort

........................................

American Digestive Relief

Asian Digestive Relief

(These little black pills are the stomach/intestinal cure all, but you have to get past the smell of the pill and of you after eating the pill!  If you've ever been near one, you KNOW what I am talking about!)

.....................................

American Burrito (well, sort of . . . . North American.)

Asian Burrito

.............................................

America Under Construction

Asia Under Construction

(They really do wear those hats when they do construction work!)

...............................................

But, in one area, Asia stands alone....

Food Presentation (Yes, that is a toilet bowl.)

Give me one moment in time...

My kids and I went outside yesterday to enjoy the relatively nice weather.  I sat in a lawn chair snuggling my bundled babe while watching the older children frolic in mounds of snow.  For one brief moment, all was right in the world.

My husband came from the house into the garage and said, "I'm going to shut this garage door for a minute so I can get the christmas tree stuff down and put away..."

"Okay," I responded, but he wasn't done speaking.

"...and so I can get some peace and quiet around here!"

The garage door slowly lowered over his haughty smirk, and when it shut, he yelled, "Finally!  A man can think!  That woman just won't stop yapping!" 

Moment destroyed.

  

Reflex

Reflexes are amazing!  A reflex begins with some sort of stimulus, whether it be stretching, or hitting, light, or even a simple touch (i.e. the gag reflex) which leads to a response without even having to signal the brain first.  Whoever wired our bodies did a pretty incredible job.

There are many types of reflexes:  Tendon reflexes, eye reflexes, eye-lid reflexes, face reflexes.  Reflexes that help us to flinch.  Reflexes that keep us from falling when we trip.  Even babies have their own set of reflexes.   

This might shock you, but I am an anatomical anomaly.  I have more reflexes than other people.  Here are a few of them:

Push-snooze reflex

Squish-face-of-child-with-cheeks-filled-with-water reflex

Shove-food-in-sneezing-baby's-mouth reflex

Hit-side-of-garage-with-rear-view-mirror reflex (This one PLAGUES me!)

Holding-tightly-to-baby's-legs-instead-of-grabbing-his-falling-body-and-head reflex

Insert-chocolate-into-mouth reflex

Let-go-of-rope-and-clap-hands-when-finally-up-on-water-skis reflex

Running-with-child-down-the-hall-while-she-is-throwing-up reflex

Kick-husband-when-child-cries-at-night reflex (It is instantaneous!)

Let-go-of-shopping-cart-(with-child-inside)-pointed-downhill reflex

Now, they haven't been documented yet, but I am convinced that these must be reflexes, because while they are happening, I am definitely not using my brain.