From the mouth of babes...

Child:  Dad has a six pack!  (rubs his father's belly)  A squishy one!

My Attempt at Satire

East Side Communities Petition State Prison Relocation Committee for a Proposed Prison Location along the Wasatch Mountain Range.

December 9, 2014--Salt Lake City

“In Our Backyard!” yelled picketers as they held signs in front of the Utah State Capital today.  Thousands of residents from the Wasatch Front’s eastern communities gathered, protesting the PRC’s failure to produce a proposed prison location east of I-15.

           

Holladay resident, Mary Regard, says, “We are angry, no, offended that the PRC wouldn’t consider any of our beautiful communities to house the new prison.”

“Just the fact that even the current prison, which is in Draper, is on the west side of I-15, I mean, that is a real slap in the face for us.  What’s wrong with putting it on the east side?” said Bill Styme, Sandy City Resident.

           

“I think what we have here is just oversight by the PRC.  I don’t think it was intentional, nor do I think they meant to infer that we have nothing to give to the Department of Corrections.  Nevertheless, the residents have spoken, and they are outraged,” says Cottonwood Heights Council Member Glenn Brightheart.

“It would be such a tremendous boost to our economy and add the diversity that our communities crave.” added the chairman of the Draper Urbanization/Metropolitanization Business Association (Due to FCC regulations, we are not allowed to publish their acronym).

While the PRC has proposed locations in or near the cities of Eagle Mountain, Saratoga Springs, Tooele, West Jordan, and two on Salt Lake City’s western boundaries, there have been no proposed sites along the Wasatch Range.

           

Salt Lake City resident, Joe Lester, suggested a site next to the University of Utah.  “We have the University Hospital right there.   Someone gets stabbed with a shiv?  No problem.  Roll them down the street on a wheelchair and they are at the hospital.  We lower transportation cost for the taxpayer, and the prisoners get access to the best medical care in the state within a matter of minutes.  That right there is a win-win.  And our mayor would agree!”

Lester was referring to the recent tweet from the Salt Lake City Mayor’s office, “The PRC would be ‘wholly inappropriate’ to put the prison out by Kennecott and airport.  Better options right here on the eastern bench! #westisnotbest #IMBY #eastsideprison.”

Even the younger residents near Emigration Canyon are hoping for the prison to move near their neighborhoods.  Teachers assigned students to write persuasive arguments as to why the prison should be moved closer to their homes.  “The prison lights look like candles on a birthday cake!” wrote third grader Easton Boon of Bonneville Elementary.  “I wish I could look at that outside my window before I fall asleep at night.”

Millcreek Township Residents wore orange jump suits in solidarity, holding signs saying, “Second Largest Salt Lake County Municipality. Not even on the list.  WTF?”

Cities and townships throughout the Wasatch Range are working with their city councils to make it easier for the prison to be moved within their city boundaries.  The town of Alta is changing their city code to allow for every prisoner to have a dog.  “We would hate for them to be moved up here and not be allowed this inalienable right,” states a letter from the Alta Town Mayor’s Office.

The small town of Granite is also throwing their hat in the ring, with talks of revamping and adding a few more rooms to the deserted polygamist compound at the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon.

Even Park City is trying to get their foot in the prison door.  “Vail is in discussions with the city about potentially moving the prisoners directly into Park City Mountain Resort,” said a member of the planning commission who spoke with anonymity, as he was not allowed to discuss the closed-door proceedings.

Some residents are even speculating that the PRC is stalling to make a decision because members of the PRC are trying to purchase enough land in the unincorporated areas of Salt Lake County to sell to the state, making a sizable profit for themselves, and bolstering their potential to run for future offices within that community.  “It’s all about giving the people what they want,” said one member of the PRC with a wink, as he patted his wallet.

Long time Draper resident, Phil Noogle says, “If anything, just leave it in Draper.  If we didn’t have the prison, we would never have had the large swaths of empty and cheap land available for businesses like Ikea, Furniture Row, and the new RC Willey Store, and that boat place, and the McDonalds in the middle of nowhere.  They promised us 60 years ago that the state penitentiary would bring a huge economic boom to our area, and with that part of Draper being one of the last developed areas on the east bench, they were finally right!”

Best Excuse Ever

Kid A:  Mom!  [Kid B] and [Kid C] are eating candy!
Kid B:  But, Mom!  [Kid C] was sad, so I gave [Kid C] a piece of candy.  Then I was sad, so I had a piece of candy, too.

Things you will only hear at my house.

Kid: Mom, what are we having for dinner?

Me: Spaghetti.

Kid: Oh! That's why the chopsticks are on the table!


..........................................................


Neighbor Kid: [Token Asian Friend], you don't look like yourself since you got your hair cut.

Me: If I don't look like myself, then who DO I look like?

Neighbor Kid: (long thoughtful pause)
Dora.


.........................................................

Kid: Mom, what are you eating?

Me: Fuzzy Meat, Fried Gluten, and Spicy Bamboo with rice.

Kid: Mmmmmmmm! I want some! I want my own bowl of it!

Dressing up

"It's picture day tomorrow," I told my preschool age son. "What would you like to wear for your pictures?"

"Hmmmm," he thought. "Shirt and underwear and pants."

I was pretty excited he had committed himself to this, because normally he leaves the house wearing only two of these three items.

He sees you when you're sleeping...

My three year old came running out of his room last night saying, "Mommy, I'm scared!"

"Why are you scared?"

He nervously looked around, and silently cried, "Santa Claus is coming."

I couldn't help myself. "Santa Claus is coming? To town?"

That was pretty much when his screams and cries became inconsolable.



I think Santa Claus might need to leave the presents outside this year.

Even if I had a billion dollars....

Even if I had all of the money in the world,

I would still never ever ever ever 

EVER

buy these.

(Look again.  You may have missed the jewel details behind the lashes!)

Fish out of water

Picture this:

People gathering for a three day event to learn about natural supplements...

Lectures are given about antioxidants, probiotics, enzymes, herbal healing...

The lunch and dinner menu offers vegan, vegetarian, and organic dishes...

Can you picture the type of people you would find here?

Now, picture my husband in the group.

My husband--who has a burger blog.

My husband--who walked 4 miles round trip to eat dinner at "Steak and Shake" so that he didn't have to eat the free one at the natural supplement convention.

Does anyone know the symptoms of meat withdrawal? That way, I know what to look for when he gets home.

Look kids! Daddy's "cooking."

These are the things my husband "cooks" for dinner.

Hot dogs.
Fried eggs (in the microwave)
Hot meat and cheese sandwiches (in the sandwich maker),
Fried egg sandwich (microwaved, sandwich maker)
Tuna burritos (yes, that would be canned tuna fish, mayo, and a tortilla).

As you can tell, I do most of the cooking in the house.

The other night, while dealing with the hungry baby, I asked my husband to do something I never ask him to do. I asked him to flip the meat that was cooking on the stove. As I walked away, I jokingly told the kids, "Look, you guys! Daddy's cooking!"

They children cheered and applauded and encouraged their father.

That was fun.

But then, in the meal, the kids kept telling him how yummy his meat was, and how he was such a great cook and how they all loved the meat "Dad cooked."




He flipped it.



Once.




This morning, my husband said, "Kids! What do you want me to make you for breakfast?"

I laughed at the idea of him making something for breakfast.

"Fine," he said. "I'll cook the kids breakfast. I'll make hash browns."






He made them tater tots.

The girl who texted "Wolf!"

I woke up to my alarm one morning and, while lying in bed, thought I would assess the location of my children with a quick text to my husband who was awake and most likely with the children. I was a little sloppy with the punctuation, but I was tired and didn't want to change it.

Turns out, my husband was out playing morning basketball when he got my text, "Are the children with you!"

As you can imagine, he freaked out.

Today, on the way home from the store, my potty training child had the first accident in the car. So, I texted my husband, "Well, we just had our first accident in the car."

Again, he freaked out.

I have a feeling that if I ever do have an emergency, I better call him, because he probably won't believe my text.

Zumba update...

Well, I started off looking like a robot. Then I progressed to "Spastic Scarecrow." Now, I am at "Rhythmic Gumbi" level.

I'm still debating whether this is progress....

Worst feeling ever...

Yesterday, my child came into my room and woke me up, saying, "Mommy, the Tooth Fairy didn't take my tooth last night."

Because they know me...

Over the holidays, my parents and my family got together for one of the "eve" nights. My mom brought an Asian pork dish, an Asian fish dish, and another Asian side dish. When I asked what I could contribute, I was given a list of two "dishes."



Rice



And lettuce.

I could have figured that out on my own.

Recipes.

I love recipes and I love trying new foods. Www.allrecipes.com is my favorite go-to. I also have a few cook books that I use as a resource. I have learned to accept that, for the most part, recipes use fresh ingredients with the occasional can or jar or packet of something. Cream of chicken soup, cream of mushroom, chicken broth, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, salsa, enchilada sauce, powdered ranch dressing, onion soup mix, bullion cubes, canned artichoke or olives--I am willing to accept these as ingredients in a recipe.

I do, however, have a problem with some ingredients. For example, I wanted to make sweet and sour chicken the other day. The recipe called for chicken (check), bell peppers (check), onions (check), pineapple (must have, check), and sweet and sour sauce.

How is that a recipe???

That tells me nothing I didn't already know!

Today, I looked in a cook book and saw a shrimp alfredo with the ingredient "Alfredo sauce." If I had a jar of alfredo sauce, I definitely wouldn't need to look up a recipe to tell me to add shrimp and noodles!

Chinese stir fry recipe--add "stir fry sauce." I don't think even Chinese people know what that is!

Steak marinade recipe--add so-and-so's marinade or so-and-so's meat seasoning rub. This is not a recipe, it is an advertisement. And, if I had the marinade, I can pretty much assume that I'm supposed to marinate the meat in it, making your recipe pointless!

My Thanksgiving turkey gravy recipe called for packets of turkey gravy.

It's sad when the title of your recipe is also the ingredient.

What is your current pet peeve?

Ancient Chinese Wive's Proverbs

My mom came to my house with some broth. She warned, "Don't eat this if you are having your period."

The fact that the broth was black and gritty and had large chunks of either root or meat (I only guessed meat after I saw what looked like bones, but that could have been a different kind of root) was probably enough to keep me from eating it, but that warning made me wonder if it was even safe to have in my house.

So, while I sat down eating my ovary-healing broth, I thought of all the other tokens of love and jewels of wisdom I have been given throughout the years from well-meaning Asian women:

--Sesame oil chicken will help your body heal after giving birth.

--Boiled peanuts will help your milk come in faster (which would explain the rapid rate of growth in my really fat babies).

--If a child pushes a loose tooth with his tongue, his teeth will grow in crooked.

--Don't eat cold foods when you are pregnant or you will do harm to the fetus. (I think the 40 gallons of ice-cream I ate while pregnant is enough to disprove that one.)

--A child must wiggle his tooth a lot or else a tooth will grow out of the top of his head (this one was said in all seriousness)

--A mole under the eye means that person will cry a lot (this one is true only if being whiny is the same as crying a lot).

--If a child crawls or walks under your legs, it will keep him from growing.

--A large forehead and large back to one's head is auspicious. If you have a child with these features, you should take him to go buy lottery tickets because he is lucky (Looks like one of my boys and I should go hit the tracks! I should bring my husband for extra luck!)

--Eating too many lychees (Asian Fruit) will give you bloody noses (Tell that to the pound of lychees I ate every other day on my mission in Asia).

--Eating too many lychees will make you fat (Tell that to the 25 pounds I gained on my mission in Asia).

--Ginger and garlic is good for your ovaries (which explained the ginger-garlic-onions-and-carrots-on-rice meal she prepared for us, but I felt kind of bad for her son who had to eat it too).

--A woman after giving birth should not leave the house or go outside for a month. And, they should not bathe during that month. And, they should stay with their mother-in-law.

After I drank the last dregs of my broth, I realized something. Each of these women that told me these things had only the best of intentions for me and my children. Each one of these women loved me. It is not in the Asian culture to express love with words, but i cant help but feel the love when someone cooks something specifically for me (and my reproductive organs) in mind. So, I eat the black broth, and the ovary healing roots on rice, and the postnatal sesame oil chicken, and the lactation inducing boiled peanut soup, and the menstrual cycle chicken and herbs because that is my way of showing these women that I love them and appreciate them.

And I'll eat the lychees, because they are good.

Confessions

Confession #1:

I always thought Key Lime Pie was called that because it was a pie with kiwi and lime in it.

Confession #2

Yes, I also thought it was spelled "Ki-lime Pie."

Confession #3

I have used three sticks of butter in my Thanksgiving dishes already, and I'm not even half way through.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fashion weaning...

My mom came back from a trip to multiple countries in Asia and brought home this beauty:

Seriously, seeing this shirt makes me want to hop in a Yulkswagel and fashion wean friend kids boys happy girls earty right now!

It just feels right.

Little Truck People

I know that guys that drive big trucks usually fit in a certain stereotype, but I've been noticing a trend in little truck drivers.

They tend to have very strong opinions.

And sometimes they feel the need to put it in print.

On their automobile.

Classy, isn't it?

If you had a little truck, what would you put on the back of it?

We're so proud!

Today, my two year old said a complete sentence.




"I see Asians"

Zumba

Let me take you back to my freshman year of high school.

I wanted to be a cheer leader.

I had zero cheer experience...

I had 2 years of dance experience...

when I was 4 and 5.

But, I had two things going for me.

I had a lot of energy.

And I could yell really really loudly.

So, I had my dad drive me to the high school so I could try out.

We parked in the small parking lot and sat there, truck facing the entrance to the cheer tryouts. We sat there, and saw from a distance many confident, blonde, high pony-tailed, long-banged, well dressed, chatty girls go from their cars to the school. We sat there in silence, waiting for me to open the door, waiting for me to step outside and walk alone to that same entrance, waiting for me to overcome fear and take a leap to carve my high school destiny and make a name for myself on our cheer squad.

I turned to my dad, and said, in almost a whisper, "Let's go home, dad."

Was it insecurity? Maybe. Was it a sudden realization of who I was? Most likely. I wasn't that girl. Plus, I was still able to use my two talents on the other side of the bleachers. High school was still awesome.

Now, let's fast forward to this past week.

Zumba classes were being taught at a location very close to my house.

The price was very reasonable.

The time was workable.

The need for exercise was undeniable.

So, I drove alone, oddly enough, wearing a T-shirt from my freshman year of high school.

I sat there, in my car.

I had zero zumba experience.

I had two years of dance experience, when I was 4 and 5.

And the two things I had going for me was either now non-existant of no use here.

So I sat there, in the far parking lot, watching the confident Zumba ladies with their high pony-tails and long bangs and mini belly-dancing hip-shawls enter the building.

This time, I did open the door. I did enter the building. I did pay for the class, 10 classes in fact. And I sat there, surrounded by 50 chatty women, and stared at my shoes.

The music started, and we Zumba-ed. I stood in front of the only part of the wall that didn't have a mirror. Not that it mattered...I was too focused on following the teacher's feet and arms that I didn't have a chance to look at myself in the mirror. I was in a sea of swishing shoulders and jingling hips, arms whipping to the rhythm of the music, feet twisting under floating bodies.

Then, I moved and saw myself in the mirror.

My arms moving stiffly like a rusted machine, my legs stomped like a child wearing oversized boots. Where there should have been chest thrusts, I mistakingly did arm pumps. Where there should have been hip shakes, I unknowingly did head shakes. Where there should have been curves, I was all angles. When there was movement with the right, I moved with the left. Where there was Zumba, I was doing "the robot."

And after only an hour of publicly humiliating myself, it was over.

But, gosh darn it, I did it!

Unlike the high school me, I stepped out of my comfort zone, rediscovered myself, and overcame fear.

Now, I just have to overcome it nine more times.

so excited.