Token Asian Friend

Things you will only hear at my house.

2012-01-20T17:28:00.001-07:00

Kid: Mom, what are we having for dinner?

Me: Spaghetti.

Kid: Oh! That's why the chopsticks are on the table!

..........................................................

Neighbor Kid: [Token Asian Friend], you don't look like yourself since you got your hair cut.

Me: If I don't look like myself, then who DO I look like?

Neighbor Kid: (long thoughtful pause)
Dora.

.........................................................

Kid: Mom, what are you eating?

Me: Fuzzy Meat, Fried Gluten, and Spicy Bamboo with rice.

Kid: Mmmmmmmm! I want some! I want my own bowl of it!

Caricatures

2011-10-09T23:20:00.001-06:00

I love caricature artists' pictures. I think what I love the most about them is how differently they interpret the same person. It is a visual way of seeing someone's first impression of you.

In the past year, my husband has had three caricatures made for him.

This one is from the state fair. The artist makes my son looks very snooty. Let's just say he was more interested in drinking that 36 oz. soda than he was in posing for a picture. The artist was able to capture correctly my son's attitude, my husband's smile, eyes, eyebrows, and hairline. The nose and the chin are a little off.

This artist was able to capture his lips, forehead, hairline, and posture correctly. Maybe the ears, too :)

This artist was good at capturing my husband's jaw line, hair line, and nose. My husband got along with this artist, and was able to get him to do a few more for our family by using their photographs. He brought them home and gave the stack to me, and I slowly gazed at each picture.

Doesn't the artist make them look so sweet and beautiful?

Such flattering interpretations of my children.

Then, I drew out this beauty:

Well, he got the hair and the neck right.

:)

Dressing up

2011-10-06T14:33:00.001-06:00

"It's picture day tomorrow," I told my preschool age son. "What would you like to wear for your pictures?"

"Hmmmm," he thought. "Shirt and underwear and pants."

I was pretty excited he had committed himself to this, because normally he leaves the house wearing only two of these three items.

On Math.

2011-09-08T08:16:00.001-06:00

This gem came from my Husband today:

"Math is for people who are too stupid to guess."

He sees you when you're sleeping...

2011-09-01T08:35:00.002-06:00

My three year old came running out of his room last night saying, "Mommy, I'm scared!"

"Why are you scared?"

He nervously looked around, and silently cried, "Santa Claus is coming."

I couldn't help myself. "Santa Claus is coming? To town?"

That was pretty much when his screams and cries became inconsolable.

I think Santa Claus might need to leave the presents outside this year.

Even if I had a billion dollars....

2011-08-24T15:10:00.000-06:00

Even if I had all of the money in the world,

I would still never ever ever ever

EVER

buy these.

(Look again. You may have missed the jewel details behind the lashes!)

Because to Asians, it's Punny!

2011-07-12T15:21:00.000-06:00

My mom was helping the kids pick out some shows to watch on Netflix. When my children and their cousin chose a show, my mom would say something in her native tongue.

"Bao-ling qiu."

She was also showing obvious boredom with the show they chose. So, they chose another one, and again she used the phrase.

"Bao-ling qiu."

Finally, one of the kids asked her, "Grandma, what does that mean?"

And she said in her cute native accent, "It means .... bowl-ing!"

The age of reason

2011-05-22T14:20:00.001-06:00

While brushing a child's hair, I said, "Did you guys know that your hair has magic powers and when I sing a special song, I get younger?"

Then the oldest said, "Then why don't you look younger?"

Fish out of water

2011-05-01T15:08:00.002-06:00

Picture this:

People gathering for a three day event to learn about natural supplements...

Lectures are given about antioxidants, probiotics, enzymes, herbal healing...

The lunch and dinner menu offers vegan, vegetarian, and organic dishes...

Can you picture the type of people you would find here?

Now, picture my husband in the group.

My husband--who has a burger blog.

My husband--who walked 4 miles round trip to eat dinner at "Steak and Shake" so that he didn't have to eat the free one at the natural supplement convention.

Does anyone know the symptoms of meat withdrawal? That way, I know what to look for when he gets home.

Look kids! Daddy's "cooking."

2011-02-17T09:53:00.001-07:00

These are the things my husband "cooks" for dinner.

Hot dogs.
Fried eggs (in the microwave)
Hot meat and cheese sandwiches (in the sandwich maker),
Fried egg sandwich (microwaved, sandwich maker)
Tuna burritos (yes, that would be canned tuna fish, mayo, and a tortilla).

As you can tell, I do most of the cooking in the house.

The other night, while dealing with the hungry baby, I asked my husband to do something I never ask him to do. I asked him to flip the meat that was cooking on the stove. As I walked away, I jokingly told the kids, "Look, you guys! Daddy's cooking!"

They children cheered and applauded and encouraged their father.

That was fun.

But then, in the meal, the kids kept telling him how yummy his meat was, and how he was such a great cook and how they all loved the meat "Dad cooked."

He flipped it.

Once.

This morning, my husband said, "Kids! What do you want me to make you for breakfast?"

I laughed at the idea of him making something for breakfast.

"Fine," he said. "I'll cook the kids breakfast. I'll make hash browns."

He made them tater tots.

Ken-ja and Barbi-ko

2011-02-06T14:16:00.003-07:00

I don't know why, but when I saw these, I got the giggles.

I'm thinking I might have some new ideas for Halloween...

The girl who texted "Wolf!"

2011-02-04T17:39:00.001-07:00

I woke up to my alarm one morning and, while lying in bed, thought I would assess the location of my children with a quick text to my husband who was awake and most likely with the children. I was a little sloppy with the punctuation, but I was tired and didn't want to change it.

Turns out, my husband was out playing morning basketball when he got my text, "Are the children with you!"

As you can imagine, he freaked out.

Today, on the way home from the store, my potty training child had the first accident in the car. So, I texted my husband, "Well, we just had our first accident in the car."

Again, he freaked out.

I have a feeling that if I ever do have an emergency, I better call him, because he probably won't believe my text.

Zumba update...

2011-02-01T00:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I started off looking like a robot. Then I progressed to "Spastic Scarecrow." Now, I am at "Rhythmic Gumbi" level.

I'm still debating whether this is progress....

"Just one more minute..."

2011-01-29T18:09:00.001-07:00

Without fail, whenever my husband watches a sporting event on TV (which admittedly does not happen very often), I always walk in demanding his attention during the last minute of the game. It is to the point where I'll walk in and start talking to him and he just laughs and says, "Of course you need me now. It is, after all, the last minute of the game."

In my defense, however, because of fouls, time-outs, commercials, replays, etc, "the last minute of the game" is usually 10-20 minutes. And, since it is most likely happening at supper time and the kids bedtime, I will be interrupting him during the last minute of the game for... let's see... forever.

But I'll tell him that in one more minute.

Worst feeling ever...

2011-01-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, my child came into my room and woke me up, saying, "Mommy, the Tooth Fairy didn't take my tooth last night."

Because they know me...

2011-01-13T17:57:00.001-07:00

Over the holidays, my parents and my family got together for one of the "eve" nights. My mom brought an Asian pork dish, an Asian fish dish, and another Asian side dish. When I asked what I could contribute, I was given a list of two "dishes."

Rice

And lettuce.

I am an Internet idiot, and proud of it!

2011-01-11T00:46:00.001-07:00

My husband, the self proclaimed Internet genius, gets upset when I don't ask his opinion about all things online. And he openly mocks me in internet nerd seminars because of it. For example, if you scroll to the bottom of this blog, you will see a little icon that says "Sitemeter." This is a website that keeps track of all my blog's statistics. I found it on someone else's blog and was pretty proud of myself for doing it without consulting the living "Internet for Dummies" guidebook that sleeps next to me. He considers this to be the ultimate cyber-slap in the face. Well, that and I didn't use a "real" website for this blog, instead choosing to put a .blogspot before the .com.

His .com geek friends must have gasped with horror and hung their heads in shame when he broke the news to them.

So, I went ahead and let him help me put together another blog. We used a "real" website, we used google analytics to do all my site tracking, and we used wordpress instead of blogger.

Ok, so he did a good job. The site looks good.

Now, fast forward to today. While checking my other blog, I ask, "So, about plug-in updates..."

"Don't update plug-ins on your phone."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"But why?"

"Just don't. Do it on your computer instead."

{insert confused look from me here}

"{hand cradles shaking head} If you do everything on your computer {blah blah blah} nice and neat {blah blah blah} better. If you do everything on your phone {blah blah blah} make website vulnerable {blah blah blah} wordpress problems {blah blah blah} Internet explodes.

"Fine, so about these plug-in updates. Are they updating plug-ins that are already set up in my blog, or are they random plug-ins that wordpress is trying to get me to use?"

"{Long Sigh} Plug-ins are like Apps. You only get Updates on the ones you have. Those are the only ones that you could possibly UP-DATE."

"Don't speak to me with that patronizing tone. I'm just trying to ask you a question."

"I'm not trying to patronize. But while you're busy asking 'Why? Why? Why?" I'm trying to tell you to get out of the street."

With that in mind...

Does anyone have a dog house I can borrow? Preferably one without the Internet.

I could have figured that out on my own.

2010-12-10T00:29:00.001-07:00

Recipes.

I love recipes and I love trying new foods. Www.allrecipes.com is my favorite go-to. I also have a few cook books that I use as a resource. I have learned to accept that, for the most part, recipes use fresh ingredients with the occasional can or jar or packet of something. Cream of chicken soup, cream of mushroom, chicken broth, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, salsa, enchilada sauce, powdered ranch dressing, onion soup mix, bullion cubes, canned artichoke or olives--I am willing to accept these as ingredients in a recipe.

I do, however, have a problem with some ingredients. For example, I wanted to make sweet and sour chicken the other day. The recipe called for chicken (check), bell peppers (check), onions (check), pineapple (must have, check), and sweet and sour sauce.

How is that a recipe???

That tells me nothing I didn't already know!

Today, I looked in a cook book and saw a shrimp alfredo with the ingredient "Alfredo sauce." If I had a jar of alfredo sauce, I definitely wouldn't need to look up a recipe to tell me to add shrimp and noodles!

Chinese stir fry recipe--add "stir fry sauce." I don't think even Chinese people know what that is!

Steak marinade recipe--add so-and-so's marinade or so-and-so's meat seasoning rub. This is not a recipe, it is an advertisement. And, if I had the marinade, I can pretty much assume that I'm supposed to marinate the meat in it, making your recipe pointless!

My Thanksgiving turkey gravy recipe called for packets of turkey gravy.

It's sad when the title of your recipe is also the ingredient.

What is your current pet peeve?

Ancient Chinese Wive's Proverbs

2010-12-06T13:37:00.001-07:00

My mom came to my house with some broth. She warned, "Don't eat this if you are having your period."

The fact that the broth was black and gritty and had large chunks of either root or meat (I only guessed meat after I saw what looked like bones, but that could have been a different kind of root) was probably enough to keep me from eating it, but that warning made me wonder if it was even safe to have in my house.

So, while I sat down eating my ovary-healing broth, I thought of all the other tokens of love and jewels of wisdom I have been given throughout the years from well-meaning Asian women:

--Sesame oil chicken will help your body heal after giving birth.

--Boiled peanuts will help your milk come in faster (which would explain the rapid rate of growth in my really fat babies).

--If a child pushes a loose tooth with his tongue, his teeth will grow in crooked.

--Don't eat cold foods when you are pregnant or you will do harm to the fetus. (I think the 40 gallons of ice-cream I ate while pregnant is enough to disprove that one.)

--A child must wiggle his tooth a lot or else a tooth will grow out of the top of his head (this one was said in all seriousness)

--A mole under the eye means that person will cry a lot (this one is true only if being whiny is the same as crying a lot).

--If a child crawls or walks under your legs, it will keep him from growing.

--A large forehead and large back to one's head is auspicious. If you have a child with these features, you should take him to go buy lottery tickets because he is lucky (Looks like one of my boys and I should go hit the tracks! I should bring my husband for extra luck!)

--Eating too many lychees (Asian Fruit) will give you bloody noses (Tell that to the pound of lychees I ate every other day on my mission in Asia).

--Eating too many lychees will make you fat (Tell that to the 25 pounds I gained on my mission in Asia).

--Ginger and garlic is good for your ovaries (which explained the ginger-garlic-onions-and-carrots-on-rice meal she prepared for us, but I felt kind of bad for her son who had to eat it too).

--A woman after giving birth should not leave the house or go outside for a month. And, they should not bathe during that month. And, they should stay with their mother-in-law.

After I drank the last dregs of my broth, I realized something. Each of these women that told me these things had only the best of intentions for me and my children. Each one of these women loved me. It is not in the Asian culture to express love with words, but i cant help but feel the love when someone cooks something specifically for me (and my reproductive organs) in mind. So, I eat the black broth, and the ovary healing roots on rice, and the postnatal sesame oil chicken, and the lactation inducing boiled peanut soup, and the menstrual cycle chicken and herbs because that is my way of showing these women that I love them and appreciate them.

And I'll eat the lychees, because they are good.

Ranger Brody Benefit Concert & Auction

2010-12-03T21:54:00.002-07:00

To learn more about my friend, Ranger Brody Young, click here. To donate to his cause, click here. Here is more information on a benefit concert being held for this amazing man and his amazing family.

Keep fighting, Brody. Thinking of you and your family, praying for you daily.

Confessions

2010-11-25T12:38:00.001-07:00

Confession #1:

I always thought Key Lime Pie was called that because it was a pie with kiwi and lime in it.

Confession #2

Yes, I also thought it was spelled "Ki-lime Pie."

Confession #3

I have used three sticks of butter in my Thanksgiving dishes already, and I'm not even half way through.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fashion weaning...

2010-11-18T10:41:00.005-07:00

My mom came back from a trip to multiple countries in Asia and brought home this beauty:

Seriously, seeing this shirt makes me want to hop in a Yulkswagel and fashion wean friend kids boys happy girls earty right now!

It just feels right.

Little Truck People

2010-11-13T00:19:00.005-07:00

I know that guys that drive big trucks usually fit in a certain stereotype, but I've been noticing a trend in little truck drivers.

They tend to have very strong opinions.

And sometimes they feel the need to put it in print.

On their automobile.

Classy, isn't it?

If you had a little truck, what would you put on the back of it?

We're so proud!

2010-11-12T21:21:00.001-07:00

Today, my two year old said a complete sentence.

"I see Asians"

Zumba

2010-10-08T23:59:00.004-06:00

Let me take you back to my freshman year of high school.

I wanted to be a cheer leader.

I had zero cheer experience...

I had 2 years of dance experience...

when I was 4 and 5.

But, I had two things going for me.

I had a lot of energy.

And I could yell really really loudly.

So, I had my dad drive me to the high school so I could try out.

We parked in the small parking lot and sat there, truck facing the entrance to the cheer tryouts. We sat there, and saw from a distance many confident, blonde, high pony-tailed, long-banged, well dressed, chatty girls go from their cars to the school. We sat there in silence, waiting for me to open the door, waiting for me to step outside and walk alone to that same entrance, waiting for me to overcome fear and take a leap to carve my high school destiny and make a name for myself on our cheer squad.

I turned to my dad, and said, in almost a whisper, "Let's go home, dad."

Was it insecurity? Maybe. Was it a sudden realization of who I was? Most likely. I wasn't that girl. Plus, I was still able to use my two talents on the other side of the bleachers. High school was still awesome.

Now, let's fast forward to this past week.

Zumba classes were being taught at a location very close to my house.

The price was very reasonable.

The time was workable.

The need for exercise was undeniable.

So, I drove alone, oddly enough, wearing a T-shirt from my freshman year of high school.

I sat there, in my car.

I had zero zumba experience.

I had two years of dance experience, when I was 4 and 5.

And the two things I had going for me was either now non-existant of no use here.

So I sat there, in the far parking lot, watching the confident Zumba ladies with their high pony-tails and long bangs and mini belly-dancing hip-shawls enter the building.

This time, I did open the door. I did enter the building. I did pay for the class, 10 classes in fact. And I sat there, surrounded by 50 chatty women, and stared at my shoes.

The music started, and we Zumba-ed. I stood in front of the only part of the wall that didn't have a mirror. Not that it mattered...I was too focused on following the teacher's feet and arms that I didn't have a chance to look at myself in the mirror. I was in a sea of swishing shoulders and jingling hips, arms whipping to the rhythm of the music, feet twisting under floating bodies.

Then, I moved and saw myself in the mirror.

My arms moving stiffly like a rusted machine, my legs stomped like a child wearing oversized boots. Where there should have been chest thrusts, I mistakingly did arm pumps. Where there should have been hip shakes, I unknowingly did head shakes. Where there should have been curves, I was all angles. When there was movement with the right, I moved with the left. Where there was Zumba, I was doing "the robot."

And after only an hour of publicly humiliating myself, it was over.

But, gosh darn it, I did it!

Unlike the high school me, I stepped out of my comfort zone, rediscovered myself, and overcame fear.

Now, I just have to overcome it nine more times.

so excited.

Baby Pics!

2010-09-16T20:44:00.003-06:00

My brother says my baby reminds him of a statue in my mom's house...

I'm not sure I know what he's talking about.

Clarification is needed...

2010-09-10T00:16:00.001-06:00

...before your child offends an entire socioeconomic group:

Child: Mommy, is that a junk yard?

Me: No, sweetie. That is an apartment complex.

....................................

...when two year olds don't understand synonyms:

Father: You are sticky all over. You are caked in fuzz. Let's wash your hands.

Toddler: (dangling from the father's hands with a huge smile) Yay Cake!!!

...............................

...because B' and M's sound a lot alike.

Neighbor in car: Have you guys seen my dirty mutt around here?

Me: Excuse me?!?

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day...

2010-09-02T21:30:00.004-06:00

We are sick.

By we, I mean three out of the four of us that are home all day long. Baby MULE is doing well.

Whenever I get sick, I always think of eating chicken noodle soup, and no, I don't mean chicken flavored ramen. I have vivid childhood memories of staying home from school and drinking down a bowl of chicken noodle soup with saltine crackers (we would also eat rice soup, but I'll save that for another post). I never liked it as a kid, but it tastes better now that it is mixed with an ounce of nostalgia.

But I have this nasty habit of ruining the eating experience by adding vegetables.

We eat our macaroni and cheese with vegetables.

If I ever cook hamburger helper, I add vegetables.

If I ever make tuna fish sandwiches, I add vegetables.

If I ever make corn bread, I add vegetables.

If I ever make ramen, I add vegetables.

So there I was, can of chicken noodle soup in hand, scrounging around in the refrigerator, looking for, you guessed it, vegetables.

And I found it! Zucchini!

Since the instructions on the soup can say, "Do not boil" I decided to grate the zucchini, that way I didn't have to cook it separately.

Well, sounds great in theory, but in reality...

Sludgy pond water, anyone?

Even I didn't want to eat it.

But then I had a stroke of genius!

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a handful of goldfish crackers, and he'll eat just about anything.

What do you eat when you are sick?

Parenting

2010-08-19T10:38:00.004-06:00

A long time ago, before I was a mom, I remember watching a talk show on parenting. It was probably Oprah ;) Anyway, the idea was to be a positive parent and to avoid using negative words like, "No," or "Don't," or "Can't." Instead, you could use positive words like, "Do this instead," or "This is safer."

I vowed to be the parent that never used negative words.

Then, I had a kid.

So while I try to use those principles of using positive phrases as much as possible...

Sometimes it is easier to tell them not to do it, instead of giving them better options.

And sometimes it's just best to let things run their course.

I'm pretty sure getting rid of a quarter in a bowel movement will be a great life lesson.

Wish us luck!

In lieu of flowers, please send bread and mayo.

2010-07-22T13:01:00.001-06:00

As my oldest was pouring cereal for the younger siblings, I jokingly mentioned to them how comforted I was to know that the oldest could take care of the others if anything happened to their mommy and daddy.

At which point, the eldest child turns to the others and says, "OK, guys, we are having cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch and dinner after mom and dad die."

Naming Babies

2010-07-06T14:51:00.001-06:00

Baby naming is a source of frustration for me. Since I have historically been the one to carry our babies, I like to know what to call the thing that is beating me up from the inside. My husband, since he is usually NOT the one gestating the fetus, sees no rush in finding a name for the baby.

In my efforts to speed up the process, I have written lists upon lists upon lists of names per baby, sometimes following him around the house listing off names in a baby book. However, my already elevated blood pressure usually skyrockets when he hands me the list with every name crossed off, or he repeatedly answers, "No, no, no, no, no..." and occasionally the, "Are you kidding me? You would really want to name your child that? No."

So, after a few kids, I have learned to wait until he gives me his list of names (usually a list of one). By then, I am so desperate to bond with this creature that competes with me for my own body cavity's space, that I quickly agree and then I give birth.

As the children get older, I have found that they are just as willing to give me names as I was to give my husband names. And, I found myself repeatedly saying, "No, no, no, no," or "Really? You want me to name your sibling that?"

For example:

Kerna
Tigerlilly
Alison Wonderland
Jackson (not a bad name, just more common than I would like)
Dora (if it's a girl)
Diego (if it's a boy)
Boots (if it's a monkey)
Alisea
Reese (ever seen Malcolm in the Middle?)
Bellerunda
Bunerella

But, the best was when one of my kids came to me with a name written on a piece of paper.

MULE.

"You want me to name your sibling Mule?"

"No, mom. Em-uh-lee (M-U-LE)."

So, just for fun, I'm going to refer to this kid as Mule.

Mule has arrived.

I forgot what I was going to name this post...

2010-06-12T20:59:00.001-06:00

My brain is shrinking.

No, it really is. Researchers told me. It was in an article I read on the Internet.

I would look it up for you, but by the time I found it, I would probably forget why I was looking for it and save it as my home page, or send it to all my friends on facebook.

But it's true. I've been looking for the mail all afternoon. I just barely figured out that the pile of mail I was looking for was the same pile I've been looking through, wishing it were the pile I had lost.

I went to put my dish in the sink when I saw a Jo-Ann's coupon that I needed to put away, and then I looked through the said pile of mail on the counter for any other coupons when I saw that my kid got money for his/her birthday and so I left the kitchen to put it away, only to leave my husband confused because I had insisted on putting my own dish in the sink, and instead I had just shifted everything down one spot.

I just walked away saying, "I'll get all that when my brain gets bigger."

I think that will happen once my tummy gets smaller.

Welcome to my Blog Barn!

2010-05-15T21:14:00.005-06:00

(Only because it bugs the tar out of me...)

If you decide to open a business and you are trying to brainstorm a name, will you do me a personal favor? Can you not have it include the word "Barn?" Unless your business directly involves livestock, or manure, or alfalfa, please don't use the word "barn" in your business name.

I have heard of "Dress Barn" and this is what I think they sell...

And when I heard of a place called "Car Barn" my mind automatically thought....

I refuse to even enter these businesses because of the word "Barn."

So, for those of you thinking of calling your store "Tire Barn" or "Jewelry Barn" or "Burger Barn" or "Sushi Barn" or "Electronic Barn" or "Bridal Barn" or "Dollar Barn" or "Ballet Barn" or "Office Barn" or "Furniture Barn" or "Fitness Barn" or "Insta-care Barn," just be warned that you have automatically lost a customer.

Well, all except for you, "Burger Barn." You actually kind of make sense.

Scary Dream

2010-05-03T08:25:00.001-06:00

My child woke up screaming from a nightmare. I rushed out of bed because 1) I didn't want the child's screams to wake the other children, and 2) sometimes when this child screams in the night, the bed is less than a minute away from being wet.

So I pulled the child out of bed and brought him/her to the bathroom and said, "Shhhhh. You don't need to cry. Your bad dream is all over," at which point the child began to scream louder.

That's when I realized I should have cleared my throat BEFORE trying to console the child.

Car Conversations

2010-04-18T23:31:00.001-06:00

Some of the best conversations I have with my husband are in the car. I think it is because he can't play with his iPhone so I have his undivided attention, besides the whole driving thing.

So, while driving the other day, I saw a group of men riding street bikes together, wearing matching uniforms, of course. So, I said to my husband, "You know, every time I see the groups of men on bikes, I can't help but think that each one left behind a wife to take care of all their kids while daddy goes out and rides with his buddies. But, maybe that just sounds very 'wifey' of me."

His response, "I bet she wants him to leave. They probably have teenage kids who aren't home anyway, and she knows as soon as he leaves, she can just sit on the couch, turn the TV to some cheesy soap opera, and stuff her face with junk food. Or maybe that's just very 'husbandy' of me to say."

I laughed, but I wanted to get mad, because that one hit a little too close to home.

My Hobbies

2010-04-09T21:38:00.004-06:00

So, I'm going to admit something that I have thus far withheld from the world wide webs.

I love quilts.

I could stare at a quilting magazine all day.

I love the piecing.

I love the free-motion sewing.

I love that people combine odd color combinations to create beautiful masterpieces.

I love the creativity that goes in every step of the quilting process.

So, it should come as no surprise that when I see a quilt at a historical center, or fabric store, or hotel lobby, I stop and stare at it, closely at first, and then once I gain an appreciation for the quilter's skill in the details, I step back and take in the whole thing.

I've even stopped women in the grocery store, and stared at the covered babies in car seats, and whispered to them, "What a beautiful baby quilt!" Sometimes I forget to comment on the actual baby.

I was at a doctor's office and noticed a quilt on the wall. I had noticed other quilts in their hallways, but I had never seen this quilt before, so I went to look at it.

The colors of this quilt are bright and beautiful. Some of the pieces we see here are about an inch in size! The free-motion quilting was done with a machine, but hand guided to make those beautiful, and complex designs that quilt the pieced layer together with the batting and the bottom layer. The stitches are small and even, and it was obvious that this was done by an extremely talented quilter.

After staring at the minute details, I took a step back to take in the whole quilt.

But within seconds, I gave the quilt a double take...

WHAT???

AAAAAACCCCKKKK!!! Is that a picture of a double uterus???

And those images that looked abstract, weren't so abstract anymore.

They were actual pictures....

of actual internal organs....

of actual humans.

As I stood there, mouth and eyes wide open, the quilter in me began to cry...

while the science buff in me gave it a standing ovation.

How to raise a Man-Child

2010-03-31T13:32:00.003-06:00

Always refer to him as a super-hero, like "Captain Tree-Hugger."

Encourage him to bond with nature.

Always avoid the appearance of evil.

If you want him to grow up to be a man, you need to let him get his hands dirty...

...But he also must know when to be proper.

Let the father teach him by example.

Help him ride the waves of life.

When he asks you to paint his nails, always make sure he is wearing a tough guy shirt.

Name

2010-03-28T21:47:00.015-06:00

I had heard stories about my husband before I actually saw or met him. They were all good stories. People had really nice things to say about him. But I have to admit that when I first pictured this guy in my mind, he looked a little like this:

Harsh, I know. It wasn't what anyone had to say about him that made me think of this lovely image, it was more what people called him.

His name.

Yes, he had a nerdy last name.

An uncommon nerdy last name.

An uncommon nerdy last name that I now claim as my own.

And I bear children bearing that last name.

Thank goodness we are cool enough to overcome the stigma. (We are. Right?)

The name pretty much defines us, as neighbors old and young refer to both of us by the last name only. I try to separate myself a little from it by saying, "No, that's my husband," or "That's Mrs. [Nerdy Last Name] to you!" But, we are the name, and the named has claimed us as it's own. In our state of residence, there was only one other family with that last name, and they lived far away and we were not related. [Nerdy Last Name] was OURS!

But then a family moved in nearby. Fifteen houses away from us, to be exact. And it came as a shock to us to learn that they also had an uncommon nerdy last name.

OUR uncommon nerdy last name.

And they had more than just being ethnic or Canandian to define them. They had something that automatically revoked our ownership of the name and gave them sole custody of it.

They had newborn quadruplets.

QUADRUPLETS!

We can't compete with that.

Now, I know. I am being fickle. I mean, I didn't even really like the last name when I first heard it. But, I've grown to appreciate it.

It made us unique.

That one name defined us. No qualifiers necessary. Just the name alone.

Like the Griswalds.

The Osmonds.

The Kennedys.

The Simpsons.

The Obamas.

We were [The Nerdy Last Name Family].

And now, that identity is gone.

Now, people will ask, "Which [Nerdy Last Name]s? The Quadruplets, or the other ones?"

We being "the other ones."

We knew we had lost all claim to the name when we received this message on the telephone.

"This is [some lady] looking for [Other Nerdy Last Name Family]. I couldn't find their phone number, so I am hoping you are somehow related to them and can help me get in contact with them. I work with [other husband] and wanted to arrange a time to bring dinner and meet their QUADRUPLETS. If you could just call me back, that would be great."

But, its OK. They can have the name. Having quadruplets, and then raising them, they have earned the name.

So, from now on, we are no longer the [Nerdy Last Name]s.

We are the Asian [Nerdy Last Name]s.

My Rage.

2010-03-26T00:32:00.001-06:00

Instacare Doctor: So, has your child had a fever?

Me: Yes. When my child woke up two hours ago, he/she was very hot so I gave him/her some Tylenol and he/she has cooled down since then, but still has a mild fever.

ID: What was your child's temperature when he/she woke up.

Me: I didn't measure it because I was more concerned about cooling my child off. I would say over 100.

ID: You can say that, but I'm not going to write that down. I'm just going to write down that your child was warm.

Me: The child was hot enough to concern me. Over 100.

ID: Look. There have been studies done testing mothers of multiple children to see how well they measure temperature. And the mothers failed miserably in estimating temperature. So, it doesn't matter how confident you are, you can say whatever you want, but I'm not going to believe you. I'm going to write down that he/she was warm.

What could I say? He was the doctor. I couldn't argue with the guy.

But if he would have looked at his chart, he would have noticed that my child had a current temperature of 99.5. Considering that and the fact that I had given him/her a fever reducer two hours ago, I think it is fair to say that the temperature was probably above 99.5. Like, I don't know, maybe even above 100.

But what do I know. I'm just the mom.

Hi.

2010-03-14T21:57:00.005-06:00

If you went to a political party convention, and saw a lady taking notes with crayon,

If you were on a long distance flight to an Asian country and witnessed a mother holding the hand of her child who wet his/her pants while waiting for the lavatory,

If you went curling and saw a squatting pregnant woman push a curling stone across the ice like a child would push a bowling ball,

If you went driving down the street and saw a sister missionary's skirt fly up onto her face while riding a bike,

If you were at Costco and watched a mother turn her back on her cart full of 50 lb. bags of rice (and 1 year old child) only to see it crash into a car 5 stalls down at a high rate of speed and leave a huge dent,

If you were at pre-school and watched the mother cry like a baby as she left her child on the first day of school,

If you were in a Las Vegas buffet line and watched a woman hide behind a potted plant to throw up in a cup,

Then I don't believe we have officially met.

Hi, I'm Token Asian Friend.

Why teens and Adults should not be friends on facebook:

2010-03-04T17:40:00.001-07:00

Teenage Facebook Friend: Wouldn't it be ironic if you died choking on a lifesaver?

Me: That is why they have the holes in the center.

Teenage Facebook Friend: What???

Me: The hole is there so that if it gets caught in your throat, you can still breathe...through the hole.

Teenage Facebook Friend: ?

...................................................

No, seriously kid. In twenty years, that will make sense.

Kikkoman Vs. LaChoy

2010-03-01T13:43:00.001-07:00

(I am sorry for neglecting you, blog. I feel that I owe you a poem.)

I stand in my kitchen
Two bottles in hands.
Both of them soy sauce
But of different brands.
Two types of soy sauce?
So what's the big deal?
This one decision
Affects more than a meal.

When I cook for myself,
Kikkoman is best.
I grew up pouring it on rice
(I was a bit obsessed).
Before you buy it, you should know
It has MSG.
And for those with gluten issues
It's not gluten-free.

When I cook for larger groups,
I want all to enjoy.
So for those with sensitivities,
I always choose LaChoy.
That I would cater to their needs,
I am sure to impress.
And that is why, for company
LaChoy's sauce beats the rest.

Now come back with me 10+ years ago
When I liked a certain guy.
He liked me back, we were good friends
So a relationship we did try.
I thought things were going well.
We hung out...things were great!
I never felt it weird or strange
That we never went on a date.

Within a while, things slowed down,
And the truth did soon unfurl.
While he liked to hang out with me
He preferred to take out another girl.
But thanks to soy sauce, I can now
Understand this boy.
I now know I was his Kikkoman
And she was his LaChoy.

Once upon a time...Lora's story.

2010-02-15T12:07:00.004-07:00

While cleaning the basement, I found this story on the floor. Try to read this phonetically.

Sound's like Lora's best day is about to come to an end.

Poor Lora.

He vs. Me

2010-02-07T21:46:00.004-07:00

1. He loves to vacuum and dust!

2. I stain the deck.

3. He buys all of the home decor.

4. I seal the concrete.

5. He chose the paint color for our bedroom.

6. I built the retaining wall.

7. He has more shoes.

8. I make more messes.

9. He sings to the children before they fall asleep.

10. I fix cracked windshields and broken rear view mirrors.

11. He does his hair.

12. I don't.

13. He asks me if he looks good in an outfit.

14. I wear whatever is clean.

15. One day, we woke up ten minutes before church was going to start and he was supposed to say the opening prayer. He knew he would never be ready on time, so I hopped out of bed, quickly got dressed and ran to the church to say the prayer for him.

Some may say that my husband has failed as a man, and I have failed as a woman.

I say we are successfully completing each other as husband and wife.

Thank Heaven for Post-Menopausal Females!

2010-01-31T21:57:00.010-07:00

Fact: Most female animals don't have a post-menopausal life. Literally. They reproduce and then they die. Very few animals have been known to reach and live beyond menopause, and a lot of them were raised in captivity. It seems that female animals aren't much use after they are done having babies.

Then, we have the humans. Our post-menopausal females can live just as long past menopause as they did before menopause. Some scientists might argue that humans never have and were never meant to live beyond their reproductive years, and that post-menopausal life is a relatively new phenomenon in modern humans. Evolutionists might say that those women with a longevity trait were able to help their offspring take care of their offspring, thus increasing their grandchildren's survival rate and the post-menopausal woman's own fitness, and passing on the longevity trait to more people generation after generation until the grandmother eventually evolved. And yet others might say grandmas didn't evolve, grandmas were created.

All I know is, as a stay at home mom, I see grandmas everywhere! I see grandmas at the store pushing shopping carts with babies inside. I see grandmas waiting to get their grandchildren after school. I see grandmas take grandchildren to dance and other sporting events. I see grandmas driving with grandchildren in car seats behind them. I see grandmas eating out with grandchildren. I see grandmas on walks with grandchildren. I see grandmas taking grandchildren to the doctor. Grandmas sure are active people.

Grandmas travel across continents to help their children paint their house or take care of babies.

Grandmas run your errands for you.

Grandmas travel through all sorts of weather at all hours of the night because the mothers are sick or are having a bad day or mothers have to go to the hospital because their water broke (or thought their water broke, but they really just maybe might have wet themselves, a little).

Grandmas use their retirement money to send care packages to grandchildren that live far away.

Grandmas cook impromptu meals, just because you say you are coming over, and you're starving.

Grandmas let you leave their house with their leftovers, even though they were hoping to not have to cook the next day.

Grandmas take care of you, even when they are sick and no one is taking care of them.

Grandmas sacrifice vacation time to take care of their grandkids while their own kids go on vacation.

Grandmas sacrifice their comfort and lifestyle and sometimes their retirement to take in their wayward children's children.

And I bet if you ask any grandma why she does these things, the last thing that crosses her mind is to increase her own fitness. The first things that cross her mind, however, would be how she feels when she receives chubby hugs and messy kisses and hears tiny voices over the phone that say, "I wub you, Damma!"

If you know a grandma, show your appreciation. She's technically not even supposed to be here :) Sure, they are post-menopausal and can be a little moody at times, but we are lucky enough to be the only species that gets them, so we need to just love them, because they truly are a gift from God.

(To the grandmas in my life: Yes, this is my special way of saying "Thank you!")

Lethal Weapon

2010-01-21T09:54:00.005-07:00

After reading this article about a chopstick going up the nose and piercing a Chinese toddler's brain, I became concerned.

My kids run around with chopsticks all the time!

This little boy was lucky, though. The chopstick had pierced 4 cm into his brain, but did not strike a major blood vessel and did not cause any paralysis. Also, his "neurosurgeon was perfect for the job since he had extensive experience with surgeries involving chopsticks lodged in eyes, foreheads, and necks."

I don't think they have neurosurgeons specialized in removing impaled chopsticks anywhere in the United States.

I might have to have my kids run around with forks, instead.

One year older, and wiser, too.

2010-01-11T16:41:00.003-07:00

Now that the holidays are officially over, I have a few things to share:

1. The child that, three years ago, threw-up after drinking a whole can of lemonade now throws-up after drinking two Capri Suns and one red cream soda.

2. Four tearful fits before 10:00 am on New Year's Day is a child's way of saying, "Please don't let me go to another New Year's Eve party, ever."

3. Santa is no longer allowed to give our children presents after the stunt he pulled with the fingernail polish station.

4. Baby can now unscrew lids off of containers.

5. Vinegar and Windex and angry texts to husband get fingernail polish out of the carpet.

6. When eating out with husband's business associates, it is good to know that "gnocchi" is not pronounced like it is spelled. And, the biking competition Lotoja is not pronounced "Latoya."

7. There is nothing easy about an "Easy Bake Oven." It is the most stressful thing ever invented.

8. Toy accessories (clips, bows, guns, mini hair-dryers, crowns, necklaces, and shoes) will always find their way into our garbage cans.

What did you learn this holiday season?

My poor brother.

2009-12-30T20:15:00.001-07:00

When my brother keeps his hair short, he looks a lot like Tiger Woods. That used to be a good thing.

Lately, he's been styling it differently. When I saw him at Christmas, I kept trying to pinpoint who he looked like.

Finally, it came to me, and I blurted it out, "You look like Jon Gosselin from 'Jon and Kate Plus Eight!'"

So sad that the only famous Half-Asian men to compare him to are scummy husbands.

Be honest...

2009-12-21T13:23:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong to give your kids Christmas cookies, caramel popcorn, and chocolate covered pretzels for breakfast?

Cartoons are going downhill!

2009-12-12T08:52:00.004-07:00

While watching "Little Einsteins"...

Leo (of "Little Einsteins"): The boy had a magic Christmas box. All he had to do was make a wish, and his Christmas gift appeared in the box. If you had a magic Christmas box, what would you wish for?

Daughter: A Barbie. No, wait, MAKE-UP!

(pause)

Leo: Cool! I would wish for that too!

Daughter: HUH?!?

I wasn't at all surprised. I always wondered about that Leo.

The ornaments

2009-12-04T15:24:00.001-07:00

My baby plucks the ornaments from the tree,
Like fruit to be harvested.

And then he turns and throws them at me.
Like the enemy to be targeted.

Ethnically speaking

2009-11-16T22:03:00.001-07:00

While filling out paperwork to get flu shots, a lot of deep questions pierced my soul.

The form had me list my race. This has always been an internal struggle, especially when it says "Choose one." To choose one would be to deny the other, and that just never felt right. In the end, though, I marked the box next to the race "Asian" as i always end up doing.

Then, the form had an ethnic group category. It said:

Hispanic: Yes _ No _

Wondering why they listed ten different races but only one ethnic group, I went ahead and marked "No."

Then I was faced with the task of filling out forms for my children who cross the color spectrum. Some of my children are OBVIOUSLY not Caucasian, and to say they are Caucasian might cause them to have identity issues. The other children have such strong (and recessive) Caucasian features that to call them Asian would be laughable. So, what do I do? Mark the dark ones Asian and the light ones Caucasian? Just pick one for all of them and hope for the best? Go for the minority because they are more likely to get scholarships?

Instead, because I was not yet willing to commit to one race or the other, I answered the form as truthfully as I could.

My children are of the Other race, but they are not ethnically Hispanic.

Take that, county health department. Try making statistics out of us now.

Why is meal time so FRUSTRATING?

2009-11-09T21:45:00.002-07:00

I'm pretty sure there was a time where parents didn't have to force their kids to eat.

Starvation did.

Those were the good ol' days.

Edit or dread it, PART I

2009-11-04T21:12:00.007-07:00

A lot of you may feel I'm being harsh about the English spelling and grammar that I found in Asia, and I must make a point.

I will not ever make fun of how a person speaks. If someone is trying their best to communicate in a foreign language, my hat goes off to them, and they should be commended.

I will, however, make fun of things that are put into print, because seriously, they should have someone who speaks the language fluently check that. Don't worry, I also make fun of those people get Asian symbols tattooed on their bodies without checking with an Asian person if it makes sense. ("Why, yes, that symbol DOES mean proud . . . as in arrogant, overbearing, and insolent. Way to get that permanently inked onto your body.")

So, to start the "Edit or dread it" series, let's begin with Asian cards:

---------------------------------------------------------

When you don't want just a part of a dream to come true....

"Happy Birthday

May all your dream come true"

--------------------------------------------------------

When you don't really know what to say...

"Very Wonderfully and More Pleasantly

For You

Time over Something"

------------------------------------

"Love thy enemy" and send them a card.

"Especially Foe You"

-----------------------------------------

Whatever "It" is....

"For You

It is so grateful to have you around"

-------------------------------

In all honesty, this could have been edited by a native English speaker

(from 18th Century England)

"Happy Birthday

Cherish all you appy moments"

Mislabeled

2009-10-31T15:35:00.013-06:00

I saw these at an Asian Market and had to buy them.

It says, "Bontex Underwear--For men only"

Turns out, it was mislabeled....

It should have said,

"Belt sold separately."

Which Scooter Speaks to You?

2009-10-29T11:27:00.006-06:00

Your scooter is more than just a means of getting from point A to point B,

It is an outward expression of your inner self.

So, tell us...

Which scooter embodies the essence of you?

"Fast, First, and Best"

"The Scooter that adds style to life."

"Good Partner in your life."

"The Friendliest Scooter On Earth"

"For Your Nice Scene"

"Jog is fascinating to you."

"Set me free, let me alone."

"KYMCO brings out the genius in your choice."

"The Scooter form next generational KYMCO."

"No one in the world can be my best partner. Except the zippy difa duke dio tact for new generation."

"The better than than from KYMCO. Better."

"Shuttle in the city jengle, the new, speedy snail clan."

Asian Humor

2009-10-25T15:19:00.004-06:00

Here are some funny stickers I found in a book store.

Seriously so funny!!!*

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*

Genius!!!*

Where do they come up with this stuff?*

(* Written thick with sarcasm)

The past two weeks...

2009-10-23T09:21:00.007-06:00

What a fun trip. It was good to be back.

20/20 Hindsight

2009-10-21T06:36:00.002-06:00

After watching that stray dog relieve itself on a fruit crate in an Asian morning market,

I began to regret eating my grapes before washing them.

Captivated

2009-10-09T00:00:00.005-06:00

What has them so captivated?

Maybe if I painted the letters BFI on my face,

they would pay attention to me.

Disclaimer:

These might not all be my children.

These might not be all my children.

These might not be my children at all.

Rough Day

2009-10-08T23:47:00.004-06:00

Today was a rough day for one of my kids.

And, today will be a rough day for one of my kids.

(Non-washable two-toned crayon on sister's doll, AFTER I washed it.)

You can't pay me to laugh at that.

2009-10-05T22:30:00.002-06:00

Every time I watch . . .

. . . wait, let me rephrase that . . .

Every time I am forced to watch "The Suite Life with Zack and Cody," I become more and more convinced that they are NOT recorded in front of a live studio audience.

{insert pre-recorded fake laughter here}

Why I hit my husband, part II

2009-09-29T23:58:00.001-06:00

On our way home from a recent date:

Husband: When we get home, could you massage my back?

Me: No. That is why you bought that massage chair.

Husband: No. That's why I bought you dinner.

Ten Days

2009-09-23T09:39:00.003-06:00

I turned to one of my friends and said to him excitedly, "So, ten days, huh?"

"Yes," he said, and began to describe to me the painful process of dealing with short sales, real estate agents, wrong e-mail addresses, and being able to finally iron out the new house details ten days from now.

I should have been more specific.

I should have said, "So, your wife is due in ten days, huh?"

Guilt Rap

2009-09-16T14:22:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I rap (in my head.)

-----------------------------------

Why is it all the food I like is never good?

I never order entrees that I know I should.

The choice between fried or steamed isn't hard to make.

Neither is the choice between nothing or cake.

But as soon as I order that caloric meal

There's an annoying feeling I begin to feel.

Guilt.

Have you ever had a bite?

Guilt's the anti-flavor.

Anti-joy,

An-ti-de-light.

Guilt.

Instead of saying, "Yum!"

Your brain yells, "Calories!"

"Trans-fat!"

And "So-di-um!"

Guilt.

Every time you try a taste

You think of all the inches

In your ever

Ex-pan-ding waist.

Guilt.

By the time main course is through

The guilt begins to calculate

the crunches

You'll. Have. To. Do.

Guilt.

The next round will make you frown.

Yes, you'll order the dessert

But you'll have

To. Choke. It. Down.

Guilt.

you'll

be.

Running

Rowing

Bow-Flex Bow-ing.

Lifting

Swimming

Cyc-ling, Spin-ning

Abs

Glutes

Bi's and Tri's

Calves

Quads

Hips. And. Thighs.

Resulting in a body that is lean and built.

All because you eat your meals.

With. A. Side. Of....

Guilt.

First Library Book

2009-09-14T15:25:00.001-06:00

My kid brought home his/her first library book home from school. The child was extremely excited about the whole library process, and eagerly began reading the book.

It's was story about a boy who moves to a new school and is nervous about meeting new friends. His teacher, who was new that year, too, told him that she was nervous as well. She said that her fondest wish was for him to eat lunch with her that day. And every day, he and his classmates noticed that she had a new fondest wish, whether it be that Dylan and Jonathan get along, or they all memorize a poem. They looked forward to hearing what her new fondest wish would be.

One day, the teacher died.

School is turning out to be a real bummer.

2009-09-10T18:11:00.003-06:00

I present to you:

Token Asian Friend's Tire Art

I call this "Parallel Parking."

Flattering

2009-09-08T21:24:00.006-06:00

When I was 16 or so, my friend's mom took me, her two teenage daughters, and a single friend with her teenage daughter, out to dinner at a western-themed restaurant including live actors. As we sat together, enjoying our meal, and watching pretend cowboys shoot at each other, a few of the college-age cowboys came to our table and began to chat with us. They would stop by and visit every few minutes, but when it came time to leave, one of them ran out into the parking lot after us.

"Wait. Wait, Miss, I have to tell you something."

We all turned around to look, wondering which of the Ms.'s he was addressing. He walked up to us and stepped in front of the only Mrs. in the bunch and said, "I just need to tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

Flattering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

While in the most po-dunk town in the most po-dunk state in the entire continental United States, I was walking toward my minivan, parked next to the interstate. A a truck full of construction workers drove by. The one in the passenger seat leaned out the window, waving his arm yelling, "He-ey!!!" while another howled, "Ow! Ow!" and the driver grumbled, "Yah!"

Not flattering.

I mean, come on! They didn't even use real words. {pout}

What to do?

2009-09-02T22:36:00.008-06:00

Hmmmmmm....

I never saw THIS scenario in the Driver's Ed book...

BOGO No No

2009-08-28T13:11:00.001-06:00

I love how Payless shoes started promoting the term "BOGO" and now I see it everywhere.

But, I have to admit, I find the term a little misleading. After all, it isn't "Buy One Get One." It is really "Buy One Get One Half Off."

You know, BOGOHO.

While on an airplane

2009-08-27T17:41:00.001-06:00

Our Flight Attendent announced, "Our flight will be full today, so those of you with an empty seat next to you may want to choose a seat buddy before they choose you."

I looked from my window seat to my husband sitting next to me and teased, "I wonder who choose you as their seat buddy." He looked at the empty seat next to him then glanced up at the line of people.

A team of female college soccer players filled aisle.

With the brightest smile, he said, "I'll be fine with whoever chooses me."

Implied Admission by Silence

2009-08-24T09:33:00.001-06:00

Sometimes it is not what people say, but what they don't say that incriminates them.

...............................

Husband: So, was it fun going to five different stores and spending tons of money?
Wife: I only went to two stores...

..........................

(About a decade ago)

Sorority Sister : So, [Token Asian Friend], who do like?
Me: Nope. I'm not telling.
SS: Come on! Tell me! Is it someone I know?
Me: {silence}
SS: Is he in a fraternity?
Me: {silence}
SS: He IS, isn't he? Which fraternity is it? Is it [Fraternity's name]?
Me: {silence}
SS: I knew it. I see you hanging out with those frat guys all of the time. Oh! I know who it is! Is it [name]?
Me: {silently amused}
SS: Ha! I figured it out, didn't I? Hey girls, guess who [Token Asian Friend] likes!

This explains why, a few months later, this particular young man,who I vaguely knew, felt the need to pull me aside and tell me that he was engaged.

I would have been broken hearted, if I had actually liked him.

"Training"

2009-08-16T15:59:00.004-06:00

A group of neighbor kids, and a few of my own, stiffly walk toward me, some with their chests puffed out, others hunched over, straining their necks to look behind them, all of them with proud smiles on our faces.

The ringleader steps forward with a clasped purse in her hands. "We all have grasshoppers on us. I've been training them."

Sure enough, each kid had a grasshopper clinging to their clothes. One grasshopper falls, and the "owner" grabs it with the fine motor skills of a pre-schooler, and sticks it back on his shirt.

She continues, "We're taking them for a walk. They don't even jump. I've been training them all day."

She unclasps the purse and pulls out another grasshopper. "I've trained this one to play dead."

2009-08-15T21:57:00.002-06:00

Me: [Baby] takes two three hour naps a day.

Husband: So, let me get this straight. [Baby] takes naps all day long, and the older kids play at the neighbors house while you read books outside? I can see why you are so exhausted when I get home. {chuckle chuckle} Here, let me clean the house. You've worked hard today. {chuckle chuckle}

So, this week I:

Scrubbed down the bathroom

Cleaned out all of the windows, inside, outside, and under

De-cluttered the basement

Sorted and organized ALL of the kids toys

Pulled the old shoes from the shoe rack

Deep cleaned the van

Vacuumed - by myself

That's right.

I showed HIM!

if...

2009-08-12T22:42:00.004-06:00

If the pastry people are going to put this picture on the cover of their box...

Then they should also tell me where to buy the midgi-berries that fit inside.

**************************

If you are wondering how bad of a driver I am...

Yes, my child fears for PEZ Bell's safety.

************************

If some people think this yellow highlighter is green...

Then I can see how the grocery store mistook these bananas to be yellow.

*******************

If my ideal day could be encapsulated in one picture...

Help Me

2009-08-05T21:35:00.006-06:00

Uh-oh.

My clothes that I've had since college are beginning to wear out. By clothes, I mean the free shirts I got for being in nerd programs (including, but not limited to my "I am a Biohazard" T-shirt, and my "BURP--Biology Undergraduate Research Program" T-shirt). And by wear out, I mean they are one wash away from becoming a necklace.

So, I have a few choices.

a) I could go sign up for a bunch of credit cards and get more free t-shirts.

b) I could cut up the college shirts, make a quilt, and then wear the quilt.

c) I could buy larger clothes for my daughter(s) and share with them, because middle aged women look good in . . . High School Musical stuff.

d) I could take in my maternity clothes.

e) I could buy new clothes, but shopping for myself frustrates me. I usually end up looking like this.

I call this one, "Ellen Degeneres goes to Church"

Don't get me wrong, I like to try cute things on, but as soon as I do, I think, "This is not me."

I just need something that screams, "TOKEN ASIAN FRIEND."

Perfect.

Why I smack my husband

2009-08-01T17:15:00.001-06:00

While stopped at a stoplight on a busy street, my husband glanced out his window. "Well, they certainly like purple," he said. I looked and saw a group of women dressed in different outfits, but all wearing purple.

"You don't want to say that too loud," I mentioned. "The sunroof is open."

Still looking out his own window, he yelled, "WELL, THEY CERTAINLY LIKE PURPLE!"

Then turned to me, looked at my purple shirt, and said, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD WALK WITH THEM!"

...................................

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-07-25T11:59:00.002-06:00

Good Idea:

Making a Buddha envelope holder.

Bad Idea:

Making a Buddha candle.

Satellite

2009-07-22T10:54:00.001-06:00

Our cable company was bought by a larger company, so my husband decided to look at other TV options.

We now have a new fancy dish,

DVR,

Multifunction remote,

NBA League Pass,

A billion channels to choose from,

Including two Disney Channels, two Nickelodeons, two MTVs, the Military Channel, QVC, 50 channels of 100% reality TV, five ESPNs, and so much more,

All with High Def capability.

Now if only he could stay awake long enough to enjoy it...

2009-07-19T00:28:00.001-06:00

This week I:

Sewed dresses.
Quilted.
Hand-washed dishes outside.
Sweated while weeding and pruning under the hot sun.
Fixed multiple bikes.
Baked carrot cake and zucchini bread.
Made a salad from my own garden vegetables.
Killed 150 grasshoppers.

It's amazing how pioneer-like we become when the cable gets turned off.

Salesman Vs. the Internet

2009-07-12T15:41:00.011-06:00

We had a door-to-door salesman come to our home yesterday. He was nice, clean cut, well spoken, 21, humble, spoke [foreign language], lived in [foreign country] for two years, etc.

He pitched the sale to us, and did a lovely job presenting the product.

I thought:

"Yes, that would be good for my family."

"How cute!"

"Oh, if I buy [that] I get [those] for free? I want [those]!"

"So versatile!"

"Aesthetically ergonomic."

"And, he's such a nice young man."

Meanwhile, my husband sat on the chair in the corner, tapping at his iPhone.

Thirty minutes later, after being so captivated that I was ready to sign on the dotted line, register for their monthly program, and give out names and numbers of all of my friends, my husband shows the young salesman his phone and said, "You're company's website is offering this very same product for 50% off."

Salesman, zero.

Internet, one.

--------------------------------

Me: Hey honey, I just saw an [appliance] at a [Cooking Products] party, and I was wondering if I could get it. [Friend] needs to put her order in by Friday . . .

Husband: {clickity-clackity, tippity-tappity} Done. And, I just saved us $X.

Salesman, zero.

Internet, two.

--------------------------------

Salesman: And your car with the additional 100,000 mile warranty, the clear-coat paint protectent, the undercarriage water sealant, plus tax and licensing fees, will come to a total of $X.

Husband: [Website] says it should be $1,500 less.

Salesman, zero.

Internet, three.

Overall winner?

You and me.

On my mind...

2009-07-08T23:33:00.004-06:00

1) I buy my kids clothes, and they change their outfits three times a day. I make my kids clothes, and they wear it all day long. Doing less laundry almost made it worth my while.

2) I don't mind telling people my cold symptoms, if they are runny nose, sore throat, phlegmy cough, fever, body chills, malaise, rash, headache, sputum, puffy eyes, body aches, cramping, open wounds, or vomiting. But, I feel uncomfortable telling people if I have, um, lower, uh, intestinal-type, {clear throat} evacuation-related issues.

3) This is probably the coolest picture I've ever taken:

4) My kids kept asking me what the black stuff was on the Cheetos. I told them not to worry about it, and to keep enjoying the orange salty goodness.

Turns out it was just black ashes flaking off an incinerated puff. Or hairs off of a fried rat leg.

5) Why is it that men can slam themselves into solid masses for the sake of a sport, pull impaled objects out of their own bodies without wincing, lacerate their own flesh, but they are dead to the world when sick with a little cold?

Thanks to my sister-in-law, I now know the answer:

It's for the Blog

2009-07-05T20:41:00.015-06:00

My husband has a blog. It is a food critique blog, for one specific type of food . . . like a hoagie or a taco. Apparently, his palate is so refined that he can detect minute differences in the food's texture, flavor, components, and methods of preparation. It really is quite a gift (he claims).

So, for the sake of his blog, he eats this particular food quite often. He even analyzes the side dishes and condiments. And, surprisingly, it just happens to be one of the foods that I nag him about eating. But, I can't nag any more. He no longer eats them for recreation. It's for the blog.

So, I'm going to do one for my blog.

First, I chose three brands of my favorite meal.

Then, I prepared them all using the same method.

I sampled each one, eating a Swedish Fish between each sample to re-center my taste buds.

I checked the texture and volume of the foam.

I noted the richness of their colors and opacity.

I whiffed each one while swirling the glass.

Then, I stuck my nose in each glass and inhaled deeply.

I sipped them.

I rolled them.

I gargled them.

I swished them.

Then, I swallowed them.

Next, I tried each one with my favorite side dish.

Then I use a handful of Swedish Fish to rinse the buds, and repeat the process.

After my thorough analysis, my findings were:

Inconclusive.

Dang, looks like I'm going to have to do it all over again tomorrow.

For the blog, of course.

The Eve.

2009-06-30T23:02:00.003-06:00

We are currently under attack.

But no matter how many waves of air-soft pellets they shell onto our door...

No matter how much toilet paper is strewn about the yard...

The Parade must go on!

I can write a country song

2009-06-28T23:01:00.006-06:00

(I've always wanted to be a song writer :)

Well my dad's from the south;

my mom's southern, too.

But from different hemispheres

which you 'ready knew-ew-ew.

I can write a country song.

I can speak with a drawl,

I can sing with a twang,

I can write thoughtful lyrics

and rhyme most any-tha-ang.

I can write a country song.

I can sing about trucks;

'cuz we owned a Nissan.

I can sing about drinkin'

root beer on the lawn.

And I know about boyfriends,

my friends had a bunch.

I can sing about dogs

'cuz we ate them for lu-u-unch.

(Hot-dogs, that is)

I can write a country song.

I've done tons of huntin'

and fishin' and bowlin'

and swimming in moonlight,

drivin' out of control and

I've been in my fair share

of brawls and fist fights

and I'm getting tons better

playin' those Wii games at night.

And that's why...

I can write a country song.

But I have to admit

I am out of the norm.

I can write up a song,

but I can not perform.

'Cuz you have to admit,

it would seem kinda funky

if you went to a show

to watch an Asian sing country...

But...

I can write a country song.

2009-06-27T10:43:00.003-06:00

What do you get when you take

a piggy bank to the local mall?

2 exciting rides on the see-through elevator

1 wild (-ly expensive) Carousel ride each

1 hot dog on a stick with a lemonade each.

1 stop at the mall fountain

30 tosses and splashes into the donation pool.

the most exciting day we've had all summer

And instilling in my children the values of

determination,

hard work,

and perseverance.

After all, it was hard for them to dump out all that money from daddy's change basket, spread it throughout the house, get yelled at for making a mess and causing a choking hazard, and eventually, with a few fits and much resistance, put all that money in the piggy bank.

But hopefully, it was worth it.

Sweet Justification

2009-06-23T23:08:00.003-06:00

I saw this ad in the paper,

and it made my day.

The next time I hear complaints about how I do laundry,

I will put my index finger to my mouth

then point to the picture and say,

"Shush shush shush shush. Wrinkled . . . is in."

Idioms

2009-06-22T22:25:00.001-06:00

Me: Are you mad at me?

Husband: Yes, but only because you asked me that question.

Me: Oh, I guess that was a self . . . self prophetic . . .

Husband: Self fulfilling prophecy.

Me: {pause} That is what I said.

--------------------------------------------------------

I'm not good with idioms or colloquial phrases. I hear them around me, I know how to use them, but I struggle with putting all of the right words together.

Without a bit of exaggeration, this is what I have been known to say:

You hit the head on the nail!

All's fair that ends well.

All minds think alike.

That takes the hat!

I've got eagle ears.

That's the needle that broke the camel's back.

If I heard that every time I got a dollar...

He's got to dot his t's and cross his eyes.

Beggars can't be winners.

We need to nip it in the butt.

(and oh so many more...)

--------------------------------------------------

Sad, I know. But, don't judge me. Just give me an E for effort.

After all, the person who taught me English learned English as her third language.

And I think she did a dang good job.

This is why I love my kids

2009-06-20T10:08:00.002-06:00

Kid A: What happened?

Kid B: The knife almost fell on Mommy's foot.

Kid A: {gasp} It could have cut her.

Kid B: And then Daddy would have to do all the work.

The best things in life are free

2009-06-18T22:34:00.003-06:00

On the way to our weekly [Asian Language] class, we drove by a pumpkin patch less than a mile from our military housing. On the side of the patch was a sign: Free Pumpkins.

"Dad, can we stop and get a pumpkin?"

"Sorry, kids. We've got to get to your class."

During class, I forgot all about the pumpkins. But on the ride home, we saw the sign again and scores of people scouting through the pumpkin patch.

"Dad, can we please stop to get a pumpkin?"

"Let's go home and have lunch, then we'll see."

As we drove into our neighborhood, all I could see was pumpkins. Pumpkins of every size, on every porch. Even our neighbor had ten stacked up on top of each other. Only our doorway stood barren and obviously neglected. It needed a pumpkin.

Lunch was lovingly made, and quickly eaten.

"Dad, now can we go get a pumpkin?"

"Okay, [Token Asian Friend], let's go get a pumpkin."

We drove two minutes to the pumpkin patch, now void of people. We stepped out and began to search through the fields for that special pumpkin calling my name. As we waded through pumpkin rinds, shredded leaves, pumpkin guts, and uprooted pumpkin plants, I thought, "What a waste. If people hadn't been in such a hurry, all of these pumpkins would still be usable."

After 15 minutes of searching, I found the one. The little pumpkin that was perfect for me. I began to walk toward my dad when I heard a voice.

It was an angry voice.

"Hey! HEY! WHAT do you THINK you are DOING?" The man was yelling at my dad, who was piling up what pumpkins he could find.

"We saw a sign that said, 'Free Pumpkins' so we thought we'd come take a look."

The angry man looked at my dad and said sternly, his voice quivering, "Now, you tell me. Who in their right mind would spend $5,000 dollars on pumpkin seed, and spend six months of their life growing them, and then put up a sign saying that they were all free?"

I saw in my mind the mass of people in the patch. I saw the pumpkins lining the porches of my neighborhood. I saw in my mind that small simple sign, hand written on a piece of poster board: Free Pumpkins. I put my pumpkin down, and walked toward my dad. We apologized and left the angry old man alone in his empty pumpkin field.

I learned a lesson that day.

The best things in life are free.

But pumpkins aren't.

Even when fully aware of their manipulative tactics...

2009-06-17T00:01:00.001-06:00

I went to the store to buy a few craft supplies.

I left the store with those few craft supplies, a toy car, notebooks with multicolored gel-filled covers, a magazine, and a pound of sour gummi-worms.

Darn you, Product Placement Specialists.

You get me every time.

Habits

2009-06-11T11:30:00.002-06:00

"Mommy, when I get married, you and [siblings] can come and watch, and when we kiss, you can cover your eyes."

Because that is what I do during kissing scenes in movies.

Just more evidence that I haven't matured much since I was twelve.

I Tan Well

2009-06-07T22:41:00.004-06:00

Summer Tan...

... Awesome.

Summer Tan Line...

... Awesome.

Summer Tan Line at Church...

... NOT Awesome.

2009-06-03T22:06:00.001-06:00

It's hip...it's fresh...(some of) it's vegan friendly...and (some of) it's gluten free!

....it looks Chinese...with those fierce terracotta horses...large hanging lanterns...pressed tofu...wood ear mushrooms...and chopsticks.

...it acts Chinese, reminding you that soy sauce is China's salt and hot sauce is China's pepper.

...it even sounds Chinese...mapo, chengdu, sichuan, chowfun, oolang, moogoo, dofu, lomein, dali, mushu, kungpao...

But is P.F. Changs a Chinese Restaurant?

Let's look at the evidence:

1) Lettuce wraps (one of their most popular items): Nope, not even Chinese. Chinese don't wrap things in lettuce. They cook lettuce. If you ask a Chinese person for something wrapped in a leaf, they will probably give you this:

Or this:

(I suggest you don't eat that)

2) Great Wall of Chocolate? If a Chinese person were to suggest this rich, decadent dessert to be on a menu, he would lose face and dishonor his whole family. Now, if you offered a Great Wall of Red Bean Paste with dehydrated egg yolk covered with a flaky crust wrapped in rice paper, THAT would be the dessert to make the entire Middle Kingdom proud.

3) They call themselves a "China Bistro," which is a conflicting statement because "bistro" means "a small, modest, European-style restaurant or cafe." Hey, P.F., China is not in Europe. China is very much the opposite of Europe.

4) They are not cheap. Chinese food is supposed to be cheap. Don't you remember that episode of "The Office?"

(not a direct quote, but you get the idea)

Michael: So, what should we do for dinner?

Jan: Maybe Chinese.

Michael: I was thinking we should go cheap.

Jan: Chinese was my cheap suggestion, Michael.

P.F. Changs, I don't know how you rose above the stigma that holds other Chinese restaurants down, but kudos to you. You have single-handedly brought life, class, and respect back to Chinese cuisine.

And, on that note, I would like an order of lettuce wraps, s'il vous plait?

The Power of Public Television

2009-06-02T12:20:00.001-06:00

I driving with my kids to the bank, when one of my children asked, "Where are we going?"

Me: The bank
Kid: What are we going to do there?
Me: I need deposit a check so we can have money.
Kid: Why?
Me: So we can buy the things we need.
Kid: Oh, so then why are we here?
Me: So we can go to the bank.
Kid: Why do we need to go to the bank?
Me: So that I can take the money from this check and put it in a safe place.

(By this time, I was past annoyed by the onslaught of repetative questions.)

Kid: Why do we need to deposit the check?
Me: I already answered that.
Kid: What are we going to do with the money when we get it?
Me: Why are you suddenly asking so many questions?
Kid: Sid the Science Kid says we should always ask questions!

Of course he would. Of course he would.

Asian Pacific Islander Month is over!!!

2009-05-31T21:03:00.003-06:00

Today is the last day to nationally celebrate my Asian-ness.

It has been fun. I've eaten a lot of my native cuisine this month, and even went to the Asian Market to buy more of my favorite Asian foods. I thought lots of Asian thoughts and said lots of Asian things. What a good month to be Asian.

I can't wait for National White Month so the other half of me can feel just a proud!

"Train up a child in the way he should go..."

2009-05-24T21:06:00.004-06:00

People have different cleanliness tolerance levels.

I'm a "vacuum after 4-7 days of no vacuuming" kind of girl.

My husband is a "vacuum whenever possible" kind of guy.

I bought my husband a fancy vacuum cleaner for Christmas. He loves it. He absolutely loves it.

Because some of our children have freaked out when we turn on the vacuum, he always vacuums with the youngest perched in his arms, to familiarize them with his beloved appliance.

My baby was bathing (one of his favorite activities) when my husband began vacuuming. He stopped all water-play, crawled to the rim of the tub, and stood up, worriedly looking out of the bathroom door. When he saw his father pass by with the vacuum, the biggest smile beamed across his face. As soon as daddy passed the door, our little baby's smile disappeared, and wailing soon began. I hurriedly dried him off and was barely able to put a diaper on him when he booked it toward his dad.

And there they were, father and son, united as one...

...strengthening their vacuum-loving bond...

...cleaning that which had been cleaned the day before.

If I play my cards right, I may not have to touch a vacuum ever again!

If kids ruled the world...

2009-05-21T21:09:00.003-06:00

The consonants K, R, and L and the combination TH would cease to exist.

Trail mix would contain only M&Ms.

Everyone walking to the bathroom would be doing the potty dance.

Everyone would own their own mini battery-powered mustang.

There would be only top bunks.

It would be a rule to make up rules while the games are played.

Our tongues would constantly be blue.

Everything would be fair, but we would all complain that it's not.

We would work for candy.

We could wear pajamas everywhere!

Yelling and fighting would be acceptable, as long as we are just pretending.

Bathtubs would have water slides.

Snot would constantly run out of everyones noses, yet Kleenex would somehow go bankrupt.

We would motivate with threats, "If you don't finish that project by five o'clock today, you can't come to my birthday party."

Our meals would be string cheese, and our beverages--Otter Pops!

Sounds like a little piece of heaven on earth, doesn't it?

If Bling Could Speak

2009-05-20T14:29:00.007-06:00

"How much do you love me, mommy?"

"I love you this much."

"I love you this much!"

"I love you THIS much."

What is your favorite food?

2009-05-18T11:02:00.003-06:00

Mom to kids: "What is your favorite food that we eat at home?"

Their answers:

"Chicken, broccoli, and rice!"

"Potstickers!"

"Noodle soup!" (Got to love ramen; I can make a three course meal with ramen!)

"Cheese noodles with those soy beans!" (yes, for real)

"Rice soup!"

"Mapo dofu!"

"Hot Dogs!"

Almost 100% Asian foods (although, I do make hot dog fried rice...)

....................................................................................

So, in honor of Asian Pacific Islander month, here is the recipe for one of their favorite foods. Just so you know, my kids never liked tofu until I made this.

(A real Asian cook does not use a recipe. They wing it. So, I'll give you approximations, but know that I have never measured this stuff out, and feel free to change it if necessary.)

Mapo dofu

1 pound ground pork (you can use pork sausage; it gives it a spicier flavor, but still good)

1/4 cup soy sauce (or maybe more?)

1/2 to 1 cup water (probably more)

1 cube to 4 cubes firm tofu, (all depends on how much you like your tofu) chopped into small cubes.

1 clove garlic, minced (or more)

1 pinch sugar (or more)

1 tsp hot chili paste (add more or less)

handful of chopped green onion. (or less)

cornstarch to thicken.

salt to taste

(psst! Hot chili paste looks like this. If you don't have it, just make some :) The Asians do it all of the time!)

Brown ground pork thoroughly. Drain. Add tofu, soy sauce, water, garlic, sugar, and chili sauce. The liquid should surrounding all of the tofu and meat, but not covering it like a soup (add more water or soy sauce if necessary). Let is simmer until tofu cubes begin to break down, stirring occasionally (about 5-8 minutes--I don't know). Add the green onions toward the end. Once the "cubes" of tofu begin to look more like "chunks" of tofu, remove some of the sauce and combine with a tablespoon or two of cornstarch. Add this solution to the Mapo dofu and stir. Salt to taste. Serve with rice and stir fried vegetables (or Confucius's traditional egg rolls).

(My husband only cracks two windows with this one!)