Spouse A: If you know what's good for you, you won't do that again.
Spouse B: I like [fattening food], [greasy food], and [fattening and sugary food]. I obviously don't know what's good for me.
Spouse A: Why do I always have to be the mean parent?
Spouse B: You were mean first, and that forced me to be the nice parent.
Kid A: Did your kid get a bloody nose?
Parent: Yes. She gets them a lot.
Kid B: I get bloody noses all the time.
Parent: She gets it from her dad.
Kid A: {understandingly} Because he knocks her out.
Wife: You are stronger than you know.
Husband: No, I'm just as strong as I know I am.
Child: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!
Mom: [Child's name], you don't say no to mommy and daddy.
Dad: Are you going to say no again so we can put you in the corner?
Child: {hesitantly} No...
Wife: Hey, [husband], can you cut this along this seam for me?
Husband: Sure. How straight does it need to be?
Wife: Straight, but it doesn't need to be perfect.
Husband: Okay. {rrrrriiiiiiippppp} Done.
Kid A: You're hurting me!
Kid B: No I amn't!
Mother: Wow. Your eyes look green!
Son: I've had like four energy drinks today.
Kid: I found my Barbie's CTR-ra.
Kid: Daddy, when I wake up, will you give me the biggest glass of soymilk?
Parent: I haven't had a shower yet today. Is it okay if you watch the kids while I take a quick shower?
Grandma: (jokingly) Whew! I knew I smell something stink.
Grandchild: That was me, grandma. I just [Asian Word]-ed
Kids: Can [child] play?
Parent: We are eating lunch right now, but maybe [child] can come out when we are done. Where will you guys be, so that we can find you?
Kids: We'll be in your basement playing with your toys.
Husband A: (to Husband B's wife after a long conversation with Husband B) Your husband is a very smart man.
Husband B:I told him all he has to do is push down the shift button, and it changes it to a big letter!
Kid:(Gasp) I LOVE white peanut butter!
Parent: It's butter.
Wife: I'm sorry I'm fat.
Husband: No, you're not. You're not sorry.
Kid: Mom, listen to this. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!
Mother: What? Where did you learn that?
Kid:I saw a commercial on TV. Did you know that Chia Pets are now on sale?
Mother: No more TV.
Kid: I have an idea. You and mom stay here with grandma, and (siblings) and I go on a date.
Parent: We have guests here. Please don't poke your finger in my ear.
Kid: But I'm trying to get that gross stuff out.
Kid: Mommy, I love you more than I love daddy.
Mom: You do? Well, don't tell that to your dad!
Kid: Ok. Can I have a cookie?
Kid: We don't say stupid. We don't say stupid, huh Mommy Grandma say stupid. Grandpa say stupid. But we don't say stupid. Huh Mommy. We don't say stupid.
Husband on phone: We are excited to come visit you. Let us know if you need help around the house. Washing dishes, sweeping, cooking, cleaning the bathrooms . . . my wife LOVES to do things like that.
Friend: Are you sure your baby isn't my husband's kid?
Friend A:(over screaming baby) It makes you wonder why we even have kids!
Friend B: I know. They are so demanding, and they lack communication skills. (long pause) I had some boyfriends like that.
Married Man: So, do you have any suggestions on teaching my kids to wipe?
Single Man: Hey, kids. The toilet paper needs to be white before the job is done.
Kid: Dad, this thing broke by itself!
Dad:(pause) That's impossible.
Instructor: Are there any questions about bacteria?
2 comments:
No words.
I can see him saying that. Does he help your kids with their homework? If so, that's just Trouble, with a capital T!!!
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